Harry Potter and the Return of the Literary Errors
by Tabesco Lamnia Lammina Lamna
Summary: The sequel to Harry Potter and the Cliches of Doom. Contains hetrosexuality, homosexuality, bad jokes, and a whole lot of cliches. Please wait half an hour after eating before use. Keep out of reach of children.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: We do not own Harry Potter, Alex Rider, Artemis Fowl, Star Wars, Series Of Unfortunate Events, Archie Comics, Daria, Green Day, American Werewolf In London, Doctor Who, Fairly Odd Parents, Batman, Seth Green, Buffy, Angel, Dorian Grey, Lady Goddiver, The Simpsons, America, Lord Of The Rings, CATS, George Thorogood, Narnia, Miff Warhurst, Joan Of Arc, CSI, Dr Phil, Oliver Twist, Michael Jackson, The Sixth Sense, Passions, My Chemical Romance, The Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy, Shrek, Zoolander, The Hound Of The Baskervilles and/ or any persons, creatures, objects and/or socks – fictional and/or non-fictional – that we have mentioned, referenced, stolen and/or abused. Not approved by Warner Brothers, JK Rowling, or our parents. Special thanks to all the authors of fanfiction, be you Mary-Sue or no, all the artists of fanart, be you humorous or no, The Federal Government, and anyone else we have stolen things from. Thankyou.

**Harry Potter and the Return of the Literary Errors**

_Chapter One_

Harry Potter woke up and frowned as he realised that he couldn't see. He fumbled for his glasses, jammed them on his face and gasped.

"Oh, bollocks," he whispered, "I'm back in the cupboard!"

"Get up!" screeched a voice from outside the small room.

Harry groaned and crawled out though the door.

"Kitchen!" shrilled Aunt Petunia. "In! Now!"

Harry scratched his head.

"But," he said.

"Don't talk back!" replied Petunia.

"Aren't you Just Pretending™?" asked Harry.

"No!" screamed his Aunt. "And don't ask questions!"

Puzzled, Harry allowed himself to be lead into the gleaming kitchen, where he was promptly enlisted to cook the bacon.

Uncle Vernon and Dudley soon entered the room, but Harry, still deep in thought, didn't even realise.

"Boy!" boomed Uncle Vernon.

Harry started.

"Yes?" he said.

Vernon glared pointedly at him.

"Coffee," he hinted dangerously.

"Oh," replied Harry, "sorry."

"No more excuses!" yelled Vernon, as Dudley watched with obvious pleasure.

Harry began rattling around in the pantry in search of the coffee. Aunt Petunia sniffed at him disdainfully.

Suddenly, Dudley shrieked and fell off his chair.

Harry looked up from the cupboard and gasped.

"Rachel?" he said.

The girl in question nodded as she looked around the kitchen.

"Is Louise here yet?" she asked.

Harry was beginning to shake his head when a loud banging sound emerged from the hallway.

Louise bounded into the kitchen, pulling cobwebs from her hair.

"Sorry!" she beamed. "I ended up in the roof cavity by mistake!"

Uncle Vernon seemed to have been shocked from his silence by her comment.

"Who do you people think you are?! Bursting into our house without warning! I have half a mind to call the police, and let me tell you –"

"It's so shiny!" said Louise joyfully, as she viewed her reflection in the refrigerator and ignored Vernon completely.

"What are you doing here?" asked Harry.

"Dumbledore wants us to bring you to Hogwarts," replied Rachel.

"Dumbledore?" whispered Aunt Petunia fearfully. "Not that … that …"

"FREAK!" boomed Vernon.

Rachel hissed at the man, extending her canine teeth as she did so.

"Watch out," said Louise cheerfully, "she hasn't had breakfast yet."

Dudley whimpered.

"Come on then, Harry," continued Louise, "we'll help you pack!"

"He's not going anywhere!" shrilled Aunt Petunia. "We swore when we took him in that we'd cure him of that nonsense!"

Louise stuck her fingers in her ears.

"La la la la la," she sung, "I can't hear you!"

Rachel rolled her eyes as she ate Vernon's coffee beans.

Harry cleared his throat.

"We can go now," he said, "I don't have anything I want to pack."

"Brilliant!" said Louise. "Let's go!"

Rachel nabbed the packet of beans before grabbing Harry's sleeve and disappearing.

The Dursleys' gasped, almost in unison.

"Keep practising that," encouraged Louise, before she too popped away.

"Mummy," whispered Dudley, "what just happened?"

* * *

A/N: Due to limited use of an Internet connection, updates will be slow, although hopefully quite regular. Any suggestions or comments can be made to the author via a review; and any questions will be answered promptly. 

Thanks for reading, TLLL.

PS If this makes even less sense than usual, we recommened you read Harry Potter and the Cliches of Doom first. A link can be found by going to the author's profile.


	2. Chapter 2

_Chapter Two_

"So," said Harry as the trio walked up to Hogwarts, "what's going on?"

Rachel giggled as she upended the now empty packet of coffee beans over her open mouth.

"Well," said Louise, "your essence got sent back in time and combined with your eleven year old body. At the same time, your personality split, creating more versions of yourself in different timelines."

"How is that even possible?" asked Harry, pushing his glasses back up his nose.

"I'd tell you," said Louise, "but your head might explode from the complexity of it all."

Harry nodded.

"Makes sense," he replied.

"So Rachel and I came back in time to get you and bring you back to the present," concluded Louise.

"Look!" said Rachel. "Horseys!"

Louise shook her head.

"She's going to be OOC all day now."

* * *

"Hello Harry," said Dumbledore calmly, "welcome to the future."

Harry nodded.

"Hi Professor," he replied.

"This is the last one," said Louise.

Dumbledore nodded.

"I think it's time for them to get to know each other," he said, waving his hand carelessly.

A small door appeared in one of the walls and Harry watched in surprise as he walked into Dumbledore's office, again, and again, and again…

"Lots of Harrys!" giggled Rachel.

Louise waved her wand and suddenly the oval room was filled with chairs.

"Please," said the Headmaster, "sit."

The assorted children complied.

Dumbledore smiled.

"Harrys," he said, "you'll all be attending seventh year classes, until we can determine a way to unite you once more."

"WHAT CLASSES DO WE HAVE?" asked one of the Harrys.

"Ultra-advanced Transfiguration, Potions, Charms, Herbology, History of Magic, Defence Against the Dark Arts, and Care of Magical Creatures," replied Dumbledore.

"Could I do Ancient Runes also?" asked another Harry, as he raised his hand.

Dumbledore nodded, and checked his watch.

"I'm late for my belly-dancing lesson," he said, "so if you just attend whatever classes you desire, I'm sure that will be fine."

"Whatever," muttered a Harry darkly, as they filed from the room.

* * *

"Bye, Harry!" said Louise, dragging a now singing Rachel off in the direction of the dungeons. "Have fun meeting yourself!"

Harry sighed quietly.

"DESTROSTRAS!" screamed one of the Harrys suddenly. "They're coming! Great Merlin save us! Nooooooooooo!"

A Harry next to Harry shook his head as they watched the other Harry run in panicked circles, waving his hands in the air violently.

"That's Crazy!Harry," he said to Harry, "he's convinced that the Destrostras are trying to steal his underwear."

"What's a Destrostra?" asked Harry.

The other Harry shrugged.

"I have no idea. I'm Nonmagic!Harry, by the way. Although you can call me Hamish."

"Nice to meet you," said Harry, "Isn't it a bit harsh of Dumbledore to bring you to a magic school?"

Hamish shrugged.

"At least the food's good," he said, "so which of us are you?"

Harry shrugged.

"I don't know. I just woke up and I was small again."

Hamish nodded.

"Right. Well, I'll introduce you to everyone anyway."

He pointed to a figure dressed completely in black.

"That's Dark!Harry, he's got a stupid name, but don't say anything about it."

"What his name?" asked Harry.

"Harrizar," replied Hamish quietly.

Harry sniggered.

"I saw him trying to strangle Mrs Norris yesterday," continued Hamish.

Harry gulped as Harrizar glared at him.

"Right," he said, "so, er, who else is there?"

"That's Veela!Harry over there," Hamish replied, pointing to a Harry that somehow seemed to excude radiance, "we call him Herũ."

Harry sniggered again.

Hamish continued as if there had been no interruption.

"Next to him is Female!Harry, or Harriet. That's Abused!Harry, poor kid hasn't stopped crying since we got here. We call him Harvey. CAPSLOCK!Harry is the one yelled at the suit of armor. His name is Hal. Punk!Harry is the guy with the ipod,"

"What do we call him?"

"Harrison," replied Hamish.

"Hardcore," commented Harry sarcastically.

"Smart!Harry is the one reading that on Advanced Transmogification. He's Harold. Artistic!Harry is the one wearing the beret, and he's called Hamlet."

Harry groaned.

"That's so bad," he muttered.

"Straight!Harry is the one avoiding Hamlet, he prefers Hazza. That guy over there was just weird, but then Rachel bit him so now he's Vampire!Harry."

"It's going to be lame, isn't it?" asked Harry.

Hamish shrugged.

"Haradula," he replied, as Harry groaned, "and that's American!Harry, or Howard between Harrys, and French!Harry – Hari. You already know who Crazy!Harry is, his name's Henry, by the way, and that's all of us."

"You know," sighed Harry heavily, "one time I'd just like a normal year."

* * *

A/N And now, for a limited time only, you can submit two reviews for the price of one! And they're still absolutely free! Run, don't walk, down to that little purple button for your chance to WIN! This offer is never to be repeated! Review - and win the chance to review AGAIN in future chapters! WHAT AN OFFER!


	3. Chapter 3

_Chapter Three_

Harry made this way up to the Gryffindor Common Room, wondering just how long he'd have his personalities hanging around.

"Ron!" he exclaimed happily as he pushed open the portrait.

Ron grinned warily from the corner where he was playing chess with Neville/Alex.

"Hey, you're smaller than the others," he replied.

Harry scowled.

"I know. So you've met them already?"

Ron nodded.

"The loud one woke us up," said Neville/Alex.

"They've been here for a couple of days," added Ron, "except for the American one. We went and got him yesterday."

Harry nodded.

"I don't remember doing anything to split my personality and send myself back in time though," he said, "it's really strange."

Ron shrugged as Neville/Alex looked for a way to escape check.

"None of you do," he told Harry, "Snape says it's because you were brewing a Forgetfulness Potion when you made it explode."

"But why would I do that?" asked Harry. "I'm good at Potions!"

Ron grinned embarrassedly.

"Well," he said, "Draco was being a bit … silly …"

"He was sucking his fingers," said Neville/Alex.

"Makes sense," accepted Harry, "where is Draco, by the way?"

"Hospital Wing, probably," said Ron, "he went to check on you about an hour ago."

Harry allowed his confusion to show through.

"That's where your unconscious Seventh Year body is," explained Ron, "frankly, I'm surprised they let him be alone with it."

* * *

Harry ran into the Hospital Wing, keen to see his boyfriend again.

"Draco!" he called joyfully.

Draco looked up from the chair in which he was sitting and sighed.

"Hello," he mumbled.

"Draco," said Harry, "it's me! The Real Me™!"

The blonde looked him up and down, and sighed again.

"Look, Harry," he started, "I think we should take a break."

Harry gasped, his jaw falling open.

"What?" he choked out. "Why?"

"I think we'd be better off as friends," replied Draco.

"But … but … Drakey-bear …" Harry stuttered, "I love you …"

Draco stood up angrily.

"Do you know how hard it is to be sexually attracted to an eleven-year old boy, Harry? Do you? I feel like a really hot Michael Jackson – and I don't like it!"

And, with that, he stomped out the door.

Harry sighed.

"I need pie,"

* * *

Harry tickled the pear on the portrait leading to the Kitchens and moaned as it squirmed gleefully.

"Maybe I should just transfigure myself into a pear …" he muttered miserably.

"Master Harry, sir!" squeaked Dobby, as Harry entered the Kitchens.

"'Lo, Dobby," said Harry, "could I have some pie?"

Dobby beamed.

"Yes, Master Harry, sir!" he shrilled. "Anything else that Master Harry be needing?"

Harry sighed.

"Perhaps some chocolate," he replied, "I'm going to need a lot of comfort food to get over the fact that Draco broke up with me."

"Master Draco dropped Master Harry like a dirty dishrag?" asked Dobby, his eyes wide.

Harry nodded mutely.

Dobby cleared his throat.

"Perhaps Master Harry is needing some of Dobby's _special company_?"

Harry gagged as the House-Elf wiggled his ears suggestively.

"Actually," he said, "I'm not feeling that hungry. I'm just going to go flying."

* * *

Harry walked slowly down to grassy sloped of the Hogwarts Grounds towards the Broomstick Shed wondering how he could fix the horrendous mess that currently constituted as his life.

Suddenly, he heard a muffled pounding from within the shed.

Cautiously, he unlocked the door and slowly pulled it open.

Harry then gave a small cry as a figure barrelled out of the storage building as hugged him with a tightness to rival Mrs Weasley.

"Oh, Harry," sobbed the figure, "I knew you'd figure out my morse code thumping!"

The figure pulled back and Harry realised that he was looking into the face of Hermione Granger.

"Arg!" screamed Harry. "Go back to Missouri, bitch!"

"What?" said Hermione, looking utterly confused. "I've never been to Missouri."

Harry peered out from behind his hands to study the girl before him.

He took in the bushy hair, the ordinary brown eyes, the not quite perfect figure, and considered.

'_She doesn't look like the Hermione from last year,'_ he thought_, 'but I should check, just to be sure.'_

"Hermione," asked Harry aloud, "what's your opinion on hot pants?"

Hermione looked puzzled, but answered anyway.

"They're totally impractical for the British climate," she said, "not to mention slightly … tartish …"

Harry beamed and threw his arms around his friend.

"It's you!" he said happily. "It's really you!"

"Who else would it be?" asked Hermione. "Why are you so short? And why didn't anyone try to find me all last year?"

Harry sighed.

"It's a long story," he said.

Hermione shrugged.

"You better tell me anyway,"

* * *


	4. Chapter 4

_Chapter Four_

"Let me get this straight," said Hermione, "the girl who was pretending to be me all last year didn't read _Hogwarts: A History_ _**once**_ during the school term, yet nobody found that suspicious at all?"

Harry grinned sheepishly.

"Well," he said, "when you put it that way … we just assumed that you'd had a change of heart …"

"More like a personality transplant," sniffed Hermione, "but never mind that, we've got to find a way to return you to your proper body."

Harry nodded enthusiastically.

"Maybe then Draco will change his mind –"

"Harry," said Hermione sternly, "what did I tell you?"

"No moping over boys," Harry recited obediently.

"Even," prompted Hermione.

"Even if they are blond, gorgeous, and in possession of the world's finest derrière," sighed Harry, "I know, Hermione, it's just … well, it's hard, you know …"

Hermione grimaced.

"No, I do not know, nor do I want to," she replied, "keep all stiffness to yourself, thankyou."

Harry rolled his eyes.

"And people say I have a dirty mind,"

Hermione blushed.

"That doesn't matter now, anyway," she said, "we've got to find a way to fix you!"

* * *

"It's almost time for dinner," commented Harry, checking his watch.

"Food!" squealed Hermione. "Oh yes!"

"Speaking of which," said Harry, "how did you survive an entire year locked in a shed?"

"I ate the ropes that I was tied up in," replied Hermione, "and then I survived mainly on my own hair, and rainwater that I collected in my shoes."

"Hair?" asked Harry.

"It wasn't too bad," continued Hermione, "I mean, I didn't have my wand and I couldn't get out of the shed, but I found a secret tunnel that lead to a room that had a weird revolving bed in it, so at least I slept well."

"Hair?" repeated Harry.

"Anyway," said Hermione, "let's go eat, and then I think we best go see Professor Dumbledore."

"Wouldn't it get stuck in your teeth?" asked Harry as they walked towards the Great Hall.

Hermione ignored him.

* * *

Hermione walked into the Great Hall to a chorus of gasps. Severus Snape gave a small shriek and hid behind his napkin as Rachel Grey hissed angrily at the other girl.

Hermione opened her mouth to speak, but was cut off by Ron.

"Go back to Missouri, bitch!" he yelled, and the other students roared in agreement.

"It's the real Hermione!" yelled Harry, pointing at his friend's bushy hair. "She hates hot pants!"

Silence descended over the Great Hall.

"Are you sure?" whispered Snape.

Harry nodded.

"Yup," he replied, "she's just been held prisoner in the Broomstick Shed for a year."

A huge sigh of relief rippled through the residents of Hogwarts.

"Sit down then!" beamed Dumbledore. "Welcome back!"

And as the large golden plates on the tables filled with food, Harry and Hermione sat down, not noticing that Dumbledore was watching them with a Level Six eye twinkle.

"So," said Hermione to Ron and Neville/Alex, "Harry's told me what happened last year, what's been happening this year?'

"Well," said Neville/Alex, "Snape and Rachel are married now, so she's been made the new Ancient Runes Professor."

Hermione nodded.

"I see, and why are Fred and George here still?"

"They wanted to stay here with Louise," explained Ron, "so they've hired a few people to look after the shop, and Dumbledore gave them jobs as well."

Hermione frowned.

"But surely there are not enough vacant teaching positions?"

Neville/Alex nodded.

"They're the new Human and Other Relations Executives," he said.

"Oh," said Hermione.

"Makes sense," nodded Harry.

"I'll going to go talk to Professor Dumbledore now," said Hermione, as the others started on a second helping of pudding.

Harry nodded.

"We'll talk to you later," he said absently.

Ron swallowed thickly and grinned.

"Yeah," he said, "we've got Charms homework we need to do later."

Hermione huffed good-naturedly, and walked briskly up to the Staff Table.

Neville/Alex watched her walk away.

"Is it just me," he said, "or is her hair shorter in some places?"

Harry nodded.

"I'll explain once we're done eating," he replied.

* * *

"Guess what?" squealed Hermione as she rushed into the Gryffindor Common Room.

Ron shrugged.

"What?" replied Harry.

"Dumbledore made me Head Girl!" she shrilled.

"Congratulations," said Neville/Alex.

"Well done," added Ron.

"I need to go pack!" beamed Hermione.

"What for?" asked Harry.

"It's traditional for Head Boy and Head Girl to share quarters," replied Hermione, "you _still _haven't read _Hogwarts: A History_?"

Harry grinned as he shook his head.

"Who's the Head Boy then?" he asked.

Hermione looked at her shoes.

"Ummmm," she said, "did I leave the oven on?"

Harry watched her run up the stairs in confusion.

"It almost seemed like she didn't want to answer my question," he said.

Neville/Alex cleared his throat.

"Better you find out from us," he said, "Harry, Draco's the Head Boy."

Harry sat silently for a long time.

"Harry, mate," said Ron, waving his hand in front of Harry's face, "you ok?"

Harry blinked slowly.

"I may have to lock her in my trunk and take her place through the use of Polyjuice Potion," he said.

Neville/Alex shook his head.

"Nah, mate, that's not the right thing to do,"

"Yeah," said Ron, "at least think of something original."

* * *

Harry grumbled as he stared at his porridge.

"Stupid potion explosion, stupid Draco for causing the potion explosion, stupid Hermione for being Head Girl, stupid going back in time making me small …"

"Hi Harry," said Louise, plopping down into a seat next to him, "what's up?"

Harry glared at his breakfast.

"My boyfriend dumped me, I'm prepubesant, Hermione is Head Girl, I hate mornings, I have to wear glasses again, and Neville/Alex keeps telling me that he's got a license to keep a conceled weapon."

Louise nodded thoughtfully as she chewed on an apple.

"Your life sounds like shit," she ventured.

"Thanks for that," replied Harry sarcastically.

Louise patted him on the back.

"No problem," she said, "'course, I could help more by giving you a solution to one of your problems, couldn't I?"

Harry rolled his eyes.

"Let's hear it then," he said.

"Just ask Severus for some Aging Potion," grinned Louise, stealing Harry's juice.

Harry looked at the girl with something akin to wonder.

"It's so simple," he whispered.

Louise nodded.

"Yet magnificent," she replied, "now, off you go!"

* * *

"So you think Aging Potion is going to work?" asked Severus.

Harry nodded.

"Don't you think Dumbledore would have thought of that?"

Harry looked at his father pointedly.

Severus nodded.

"Good point,"

Harry held out his hand.

"Please, sir, may I have some potion?"

Snape unlocked a tall cabinet and selected a small blue bottle.

"This should be enough to age you sufficiently,"

Harry grinned as he upended the vial over his open mouth.

He stood still for a few seconds.

"Has it worked?" he asked.

Severus shook his head.

Harry frowned.

"Bollocks,"

"Hi Harry," said Rachel, walking into the room with a huge pile of books, "hey Severus. What's happening?"

"Nothing," said Harry dejectedly.

Severus took some of the books from Rachel and deposited them onto a small table.

"He's trying to age himself," he explained to Rachel.

"With that potion?" asked Rachel.

Harry nodded.

"Try taking the stopper out," she suggested.

Harry blushed as he did so.

"Thanks Rachel,"

"I'll blackmail you with it one day," she shrugged.

Harry swallowed the potion and ran over to a mirror.

Ad he watched, his hair grew longer and straighter, his eyesight grew blurry, and his entire body seemed to stretch.

Harry took off his glasses, pulled up his shirt, and grinned.

"Brilliant," he said, "my Rippling Quiddich Toned Muscles™ are back!"

"He's almost as vain as you," grinned Rachel as Harry ran from the room.

Severus raised an eyebrow.

"And almost as non-funny as you," he replied haughtily.

* * *

"Hey Ron!" called Harry. "I'm a big boy again! See?"

Ron turned around and smiled.

"That's good, mate," he said, "you've met Hazza, haven't you?"

The other boy held out a hand.

"Straight!Harry," he grinned.

Harry frowned as he shook hands with himself.

"What are you guys doing?"

Ron beamed.

"We're going to throw things at people we don't like, kick some trees, and then go find some car bonnets to look under!" he said.

"Why would you want to do that?" asked Harry.

Hazza rolled his eyes.

"Because it's manly,"

"Just sounds stupid to me," replied Harry.

Ron sighed and put his hand on Harry's shoulder.

"I know it's not your fault, but don't try and understand straight guy stuff – why don't you go talk to Hermione or something?"

Harry bristled.

"I'm not a girl," he growled.

"Of course you're not," said Hazza, "that's Harriet."

"We'll see you later, Harry," said Ron.

Harry gaped.

"You're leaving me because I'm gay?!"

Ron shook his head.

"Don't say that, mate, it sounds like we were … going out or something,"

Harry grumbled as he watched the other two boys walk away.

"This sucks," he mumbled.

"YOU'RE TELLING ME!" yelled CAPSLOCK!Harry.

* * *

"NOBODY WANTS TO BE MY FRIEND EITHER!" roared CAPSLOCK!Harry.

Harry put his fingers in his ears.

"Did somebody cast a permanent Sonorus Charm on you, or something?"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" boomed CAPSLOCK!Harry. "GOOD ONE! I'M HAL, BY THE WAY!"

"I'm Harry," said Harry, "why Hal?"

"BECAUSE I'M _HAL_ LOUD!" replied Hal. "GET IT?"

"Yeah," said Harry, "where are you and the others staying anyway?"

"IN THE OLD TRANSFIGURATION CLASSROOM AT THE MOMENT, BUT DUMBLEDORE SAYS WE'LL HAVE BEDS IN OUR HOUSE DORMITORIES BY TONIGHT,"

"What House are you in?"

"GRYFFINDOR!" yelled Hal, causing a suit of armour to tremble and fall over.

Harry nodded politely.

"Great,"

"WANNA GO FLYING BEFORE LUNCH?"

Harry shrugged.

"Sure, why not,"

Hal grinned.

"GREAT! I'LL GO TELL THE OTHERS!"

Harry dug his fingers in a little deeper.

"They may already know,"

* * *

A/N: "Good morning, may I speak to the current user of the computer? I have a short survey to conduct; it will only take a mintute of your time. Have you submitted a review for this chapter containing comments and suggestions? And can I also ask, which cliches would you like to see involved in this story? Do you have any requests for songs? And do you have any idea when -"

CLICK. Beep beep beep ...

_'Awww, man, that's the sixth person this week!'_


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: Please note, that I've managed to put the Quidditch Scene in a Very Safe PlaceTM - so safe, in fact, that not even I know where it is. At the present moment, as it's not crucial the the overall plot, I have simply left it out. When I do find it, I shall post it at the end of Chapter Four. I will let you know when this happens. Until then, just pretend you've read a great chapter about Quidditch, and are ready to read and review the next one. And ... ACTION!_

_Chapter Five_

As Harry approached the Gryffindor Table, he noticed happily that there was a familiar mop of black hair already seated and eating lunch.

"Will!" he called.

William turned to grin at his twin.

"Hey, Harry," he replied, "long time, no see."

"Where've you been?" asked Harry.

Will shrugged.

"Dumbledore thought there was another you in this other dimension, but it ended up just being some random kid called Daniel. He didn't even have green eyes!"

Harry shook his head.

"So it was a bit of a wild goose chase?"

"You could say that," replied Will, "but, to cut a long story short; I got attacked by a whole heap of girls, stalked by old men with cameras, and followed around constantly by this guy called Steve. It took me ages to shake them all off."

Harry grinned.

"Well, it's good to have you back."

"Ahem," came a booming voice from under the table.

"You too, Hank," added Harry.

Hank purred happily in reply.

"It's weird seeing so many of you," said William.

"You're telling me," replied Harry, "I hope someone works out a way to fix me soon. I mean, not that it's not cool to have enough of me to play an entire Quidditch match, but …"

"You miss your other personality aspects?" guessed Will.

Harry nodded.

"Hi, Harry," said Cedric Diggory, plopping down beside them, "I hear you're single again."

Harry nodded as Cedric wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Why are you even here?" asked Will. "You've graduated."

Cedric scratched the back of his neck nervously.

"Er … no reason …" he said.

Harry rolled his eyes.

"Just remember, Harry, if you ever need to mull anything over in the bath …"

"No, Cedric," said Harry firmly, "there will be no mulling."

Cedric sighed and stood up.

"I'll see you later then," he said, and walked dejectedly from the Hall.

"Why does everyone want you?" said Will. "What about me?"

Harry shrugged.

"It's probably just because you don't have Rippling Quidditch Toned Muscles™."

Will sighed.

"If only our society didn't feel the need to place such a value on outdated notions of beauty …"

* * *

"Hi, Draco," said Harry, tapping the blonde on the shoulder as they stood outside Potions.

"What?" snapped Draco.

"No need to be touchy," replied Harry easily, "I just wanted to tell you that I'm big again."

"I can see that," said Draco, "what's your point?"

"Don't you want to go out again?"

"Not particularly," replied Draco, "I'm quite enjoying the lack of mushiness currently in my life."

Harry gasped.

"You can't be serious!"

"But I am," replied Draco, as Snape beckoned them into class, "and I think it's time you moved on."

"Oh," muttered Harry, as he watched the other boy's retreating back, "I'll move on alright."

* * *

"So, Harry," said Louise, "what's with the sudden bouts of man-whoreishness?"

"I'm moving on," replied Harry stiffly.

Louise raised an eyebrow.

"I can see whoever I want!" snapped Harry.

"True," said Louise, "but when you're trading saliva with several people a day; I'd say that's a bad sign."

"Like you can talk," retorted Harry, "you promote twincest!"

"Hey," snapped Louise, "leave the law out of this, ok? I'm just saying that groping Ernie McMillian isn't going to solve anything."

"It might," replied Harry, "it solved the question regarding his preference."

Louise grinned slightly.

"He punched you, didn't he?"

Harry gently prodded his right eye.

"The swelling has gone down heaps, though …"

* * *

Harry woke to find Ron holding a flying pan over his head; an evil look on his face.

"Ron?" mumbled Harry. "What are you doing?"

Ron raised the pan a little higher.

"Ron?" asked Harry, fear causing his voice to give an unmanly squeak.

Ron smiled, yet somehow it looked forced.

"Nothing," he replied soothingly, "how do you like your eggs?"

* * *

"With a frying pan?" asked Will. "Well, that's weird."

Harry rubbed his temples.

"Tell me something I don't know," he replied tetchily.

"I want to be a woman," said Will quietly.

"What?!"

Will laughed nervously.

"April Fools?"

"It's October," said Louise, as she took Harry's apple, "Rachel will be 1019 in fifteen days."

"Huh," said Will, "you know, she doesn't look it."

"Good answer," winked Louise.

Harry sighed.

"I think I might go visit Sirius," he said.

"Oh, here," said Louise, handing him a large jar which appeared to be filled with a solid black mass, "it's for Remus."

"Ok …" replied Harry slowly, and when no explanation was forthcoming he stood and left the room.

"Hey Louise," said Will, "would you say I'm a winter or a spring?"

* * *

"Hey kiddo," said Sirius, as Harry entered the Lounge Room of the Kennel, "how you feeling?"

Harry shrugged.

"Alright, I guess," he replied.

"Great!" beamed Sirius. "Because that's what I told Lily!"

"You talked to my mum?" asked Harry.

"Yeah," nodded Sirius, "they're coming to visit in a couple of days, but they wanted to know how you were."

Harry sat down.

"So instead of actually asking me, you just guessed?"

"Yeah!"

"Makes sense," said Harry.

"Hi Dorado," he added to the small girl who had just entered the room, "what are the chains for?"

"I'm going to chain myself to the refrigerator in protest at my family's eating of meat and other animal products," she explained calmly.

"Ok," replied Harry, "and why are you doing that?"

Dorado rolled her eyes.

"Because it's wrong, evil, cruel, and anyone who does it should be send straight to hell. Which would be lovely compared to what some animals suffer through!"

"Right," said Harry.

"Is she really going to do that?" he asked Remus as the girl left the room.

Remus nodded.

"She's trying to rebel," he said.

"She's not very good at it though," added Sirius, "ask her nicely enough, and she'll still let you get food out."

Harry nodded slowly.

"Ok,"

"She's just very sensitive," said Remus, "the last time she transformed, she ripped up a whole patch of wild violets – she was devastated."

Harry nodded again.

"That makes sense."

"So, anyway," said Sirius, "how's school been this year so far?"

Harry shrugged.

"Oh," he said as he remembered something, "this is from Louise."

Remus reached for the jar eagerly.

"Marvellous," he smiled, "this is exactly what we need."

"What is it for?" asked Harry. "Actually, on that note, what is it?"

"It's called Vegemite," said Remus, "in Australia it's considered a food, but here we just use it to stop the pup-kids chewing on everything."

"But, if it's a food, wouldn't that just encourage them?" pondered Harry.

Remus smiled as he opened the jar.

"Here," he said, "you decide."

Harry shrugged and dipped a finger into the thick black paste.

"Looks like axel grease, doesn't it?" said Sirius.

Harry put his finger into his mouth.

Sirius and Remus looked on expectantly.

"ARGH!" spat Harry, hastily withdrawing his finger. "Oh, Merlin's beard, that's awful!"

Remus nodded solemnly.

"A coating of this on everything and you can understand why it puts the pup-kids off," he said.

Harry nodded as he applied every single mouth cleansing charm he knew onto his tongue.

"But Louise and Rachel eat it all the time!" he said. "Did someone curse their tastebuds off or something?"

Sirius shrugged.

"We may never know," he replied quietly.

Remus looked at the wall-clock.

"Harry!" he said. "It's time for Herbology!"

Harry looked at the clock and swore.

"Thanks Remus," he said as he ran out the door.

"Huh," said Sirius, "what's mumble-furker?"

* * *

A/N: Yes, another one, I know, you don't really care what I say unless it's "I've just typed up the entire fic in one day! Here it is - enjoy!" Now, I wish I could say that, and I probably could, but it would be a lie and then I might just get drawn and quartered by an angry mob. Whilst they sing along to the Kaiser Chiefs.

Anyway, the point is, I have glandular fever, and thus am a sick little chicken. Due to this, you can probably expect at least a fortnight's delay on the uploading of the next chapter. I apologise for this, and really do wish it wasn't so, but that's the way my immune system crumbles.

So, I leave you Chapter Five, and a promise that this fic will be updated ASAIC. Guess what that means, and you'll win a pint of blood from Rachel's vintage cellar. But, if you're still terribly bored, I extended an invitation to contribute to the COD book edition - send COD based fanart, poetry, drabbles, photos, whatever the hell you wish, to fantabahoobie at hotmail dot com. Obviously, just change the at the the dot to actual ats and dots. You know what I mean.

Once again, I apologise, and I hope to see you all through unswollen glands very soon! - TLLL


	6. Chapter 6

_Chapter Six_

"Good morning, Class!" called Professor Sprout.

"Morning!" shrilled Hermione eagerly, as the rest of the group shuffled their feet and mumbled.

"Today we'll be drawing the sap from these Lemanrom Stumps," continued Sprout, "ensure you are all wearing your dragon-hide gloves – the sap is highly acidic."

The students nodded as they pulled on the gloves.

"Once you have collected the sap," added the Professor, "contain it in these beakers, and seal them tightly. You will be working in groups of six."

Harry attempted to join Draco's groups on the far side of the room, but Hermione quickly gripped his arm and proclaimed loudly that he could join a group with herself, Ron, Louise, Will, and Neville/Alex.

Harry scowled, but joined them nonetheless.

"Why isn't Rachel in this class?" asked Will.

"She doesn't really like unconfined spaces," replied Louise, "or unfiltered sunlight."

In the background, a few Harrys started throwing sap at each other.

* * *

That evening Neville/Alex looked around the Gryffindor Seventh Year Boys dorm and huffed.

"There are too many Harrys in here!" he announced. "I'm sick of always tripping over their things – they need to go!"

Seamus nodded thoughtfully as he ate one of Hari's croissants.

"How?" he asked.

Neville/Alex grinned as he steepled his fingers.

"We're going to need tape," he said, "lots and lots of tape."

Dean waved his wand and the McGuiver theme tune started blaring out of invisible speakers.

"I can feel a lot of really short scenes coming on," muttered Seamus.

"_Montagipiloipilus_!" cried Neville/Alex.

* * *

Neville/Alex dusted his hands off in satisfaction.

"I think we've done a good job, lads," he said.

"I still think it's amazing none of them woke up while we did this," replied Dean.

Seamus nodded as he stared up at the huge ball of Harrys, connected tightly by several rolls of spellotape, and balanced precariously at the top of the staircase that connected the Seventh Year dormitory to the Gryffindor Common Room.

Suddenly Ron walked out of the dormitory, banging the door against the ball of Harrys.

"Opps," he said happily, as the entire sphere began bouncing downwards.

"ARGH!" cried the newly-awoken Harrys.

* * *

Madam Pompfrey clicked her tongue disapprovingly.

"I don't believe I wish to know how this occurred," she sighed.

Neville/Alex grinned sheepishly as the Harrys groaned and nursed various injuries.

"MY HEAD HURTS!" moaned Hal.

"Ours too," grumbled the others.

* * *

"We need a new plan," said Dean, "for once tape hasn't been the solution to all our problems."

Seamus shook his head sadly.

"I never thought I'd see the day …" he muttered.

Ron grinned as he held up a strange Muggle device.

"Want to borrow my nail gun?" he suggested.

Harry screamed, as he suddenly sat up poker-straight in his bed.

"Maybe not," said Neville/Alex.

"I'll wait til he's asleep," muttered Ron.

Harry whimpered and clutched Sunshine Bear tighter.

* * *

"What next?" asked Seamus, as the Seventh Year Potions Class struggled with a particularly difficult Dark Glamour Elixir (Patented by Tom Riddle, side effects may include billowing robes, obsession with snakes, desire to torture others, and/or infatuation with anagrams).

Rachel looked up from where she was carving up a large Clabbert.

"You could always cut out their hearts and then –"

"Rachel?" asked Snape. "How would that help rejoin my son?"

"Oh," replied Rachel, "you want to keep him?"

* * *

"– a really, really big blender – you'd need to take off their skin first, of course – chop them all up with that – "

Harry looked at Louise with wide eyes, and quickly exited the room.

"Then you add ice-cream, vanilla essence, and just a touch of honey," concluded Louise.

Dean nodded appreciatively.

"You're right," he said, "that _does_ sound like a world class banana smoothie."

* * *

"I know!" said Seamus. "Let's try to get them a spot on Grey's Anatomy!"

"That could work," nodded Neville/Alex excitedly.

"Isn't Rachel's sister on that show?" asked Dean.

"I HAVE NO SISTER!" yelled Rachel, throwing a Faberge egg at the wall.

"Perhaps not," said Dean.

"Where'd she get that egg?" asked Neville/Alex.

* * *

"Attention Hogwarts,"

Harry looked up from his crumpets to stare intently at the new PA speaker.

"I am getting so sick of these announcements," muttered Will, "Dumbledore needs to find something else to occupy his time with."

"For classes in Advanced Bathing, please visit classroom 115:A – Harry Potter, this means you."

"I **do** shower!" yelled Harry, pulling his diary from his bag and brandishing it at the speaker. "See! Detailed records of all bathroom visits!"

Lavender Brown squinted at the writing in the notebook.

"Ew," she stated.

"That's detailed," commented Neville/Alex.

Ron nodded, and then went back to examining his steak knife.

"Also," continued the PA, "you and the rest of you need to come to my office. Now, if you don't mind, Harry."

Harry shoved his diary back into his bag.

"Oh, I'll come to your office alright," he grumbled.

"LET'S GO THEN," said Hal.

* * *

"Hi Louise," said Harry.

"Hi Harry," she replied.

Harry took in the large armchair, the blaring opera music, and the small second year writing lines on the stone wall in pink crayon.

"'_I must not go to war, even if everyone else is doing it_,'" he read aloud.

"He needs this," said Louise calmly, "it's for the good of Australia."

"My hand hurts," whined the diminutive lad.

"Back at it!" commanded Louise, squirting him with a tiny water pistol. "Do you want those eyebrows waxed? Because, so Frond help me, I'll do it!"

The boy whimpered.

"No – not my eyebrows! Anything but my eyebrows! They were especially grown for me by CSIRO!"

Louise nodded dramatically.

"I know," she replied quietly.

Harry and Hal exchanged glances.

"We'll just go now," said Harry.

"PEPPERMINT FROGS!" added Hal, and they made their way up the spiral staircase to Albus Dumbledore's office.

* * *

"Ah," said the Headmaster, "at last, we're all here."

"How'd you all get here so fast?" asked Harry.

"With a plothole," replied Harold.

"What's that?" said Harry.

"Here's one I prepared earlier!" said Harold brightly, holding up a large circular 2-dimensional thing that seemed to absorb all contradictory and/or logical thought.

"Makes sense," said Harry, "can I have it?"

"Certainly," replied Harold, handing it over.

Dumbledore cleared his throat.

"SORRY SIR!" said Hal.

"Harry," said the Headmaster, "I've decided that this 'multiple selves' thing is all in your head."

The Harrys looked at each other with raised eyebrows.

"Are you blind?" asked Harrison sarcastically.

Dumbledore ignored him.

"I've arranged for you to have some sessions with a therapist," he continued.

"Who is it?" asked Harriet.

Louise jumped out of a nearby cupboard.

"SURPRISE!"

"ARG!" screamed the Harrys.

Dumbledore gave a Level Three eye twinkle.

"I think this will work out well,"

* * *

A/N: Here it be, Cap'n. 'Pologise for the dee-lays, 'n such. The ol' girl's been less than shipshape. Hopefully we'll be asee'n yee 'gain soon. Me pay? Just make it in reviews, if yee will. Thankyee kindly! 


	7. Chapter 7

"So," said Louise, "how do you feel?"

"I FEEL SAD," said Hal.

"Very good, Hal," replied Louise, "can you expand on that?"

"I FEEL THAT BY TRYING TO COMBINE US THEY'RE REJECTING OUR INDIVIDUAL SPIRIT,"

Louise nodded thoughtfully.

"I see. Would anyone else like to tell us about their feelings?"

Harí sighed heavily.

"Cordon blue déjà vu baguette tenant," he said.

Louise stopped to scribble something in her notebook.

"I know it can seem like that sometimes," she replied, "but that's why I'm here."

"I know why you're here," muttered Henry, "the government wants our brain imprints. That's what they feed on."

Louise wrote something else in her book.

"Interesting,"

Harrison groaned.

"I'm wasting valuable hanging time," he said, "I'm leaving."

Louise pulled a pair of spectacles from her pocket, put them on, and then promptly whipped them off again.

"You may not admit it, young man, but we made some progress today," she said, "if you leave I'll be forced to inform the dean."

Hazza shook his head in amazement.

"And they say _we're_ the crazy ones,"

* * *

"Harry Potter?" called Professor Kenobi.

"Here," replied Harry.

Louise nodded thoughtfully.

"You say 'here', Harry, but do you mean that in a personal or spatial sense?"

Harry groaned.

"Are you going to do this all _this_ week as well?"

Louise grinned.

"Yup," she said, "now … how does that make you feel?"

"I FEEL DISCONNECTED FROM MY PEERS," replied Hal.

"I feel like I'm getting a headache," added Harrison snarkily.

"I feel like we could be using our time in more productive manner," sighed Harold.

"I FEEL THE GOVERNMENT PROBING MY BRAIN!" screamed Henry.

"HEY," interrupted Hal, "THAT'S MY GIG!"

"I feel like I want to kill you all," muttered Harrizar, "slowly."

"I'll help," offered Ron.

"I feel hungry," said Haradula, his nostrils twitching as he stared at Draco's pale neck.

"I feel like we never get along," sighed Harriet.

"Rendezvous …" started Harí, but before he could finish, Professor Kenobi had pulled out his lightsaber and sliced Harry's desk in two.

"CONTROL YOURSELF!" yelled the Professor.

"Are you talking to yourself, or us?" asked Hamish.

"YOU!" replied the Professor.

"WHAT IS IT WITH EVERYONE COPYING ME TODAY?!" asked Hal.

"Harry," said Professor Kenobi, "I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"Fine," huffed Harry, "we will."

"This is your entire fault," hissed Hazza in Louise's ear.

Louise nodded and attempted not to smile.

"And how does that make you feel?" she replied.

"DIE!" roared Haradzar, lunging at the girl.

Louise squeaked in fear, flicked her wand at Harrizar – causing him to become covered in a viscous sparkly pink substance – and then vanished from sight.

"THE DESTROSDAS GOT HER!" shrieked Henry.

Harvey burst into tears.

"I want to go!" he wailed.

The entire class stared at the normally mute boy.

"Go where?" asked Hamish finally.

"Back!" sobbed Harvey, pointing at Harry.

"Me too," said Harriet quietly.

And then, without warning, all of the Harrys were sobbing and hugging each other; taking comfort in the fact that they were not the only ones to feel this painful need.

Louise flickered back into view.

"Wow," she said, "I didn't think they'd actually have a breakthough."

"Why'd you counsel us then?" asked Harrison, hiding his tear unsuccessfully.

Louise shrugged.

"Something to do," she replied.

"What are we going to do now?" asked Hazza. "How do we get back?"

Louise waved her wand at the group of Harrys.

"_Conjointus_," she said, and the Harrys seemed to flicker in and out of view, before they finally dissolved into the original Harry.

Harry looked at his hands in wonder, and then looked around the room cautiously. His gaze landed on Louise.

"YOU COULD DO THAT THE ENTIRE TIME?!" he yelled.

Louise giggled and ran out of the room.

Harry glared after her.

"Just you wait, Frost, just you wait,"

Professor Kenobi cleared his throat.

"Well," he said, "that was interesting. Now if you could turn to page 257 and begin composing two-feet on the uses of unicorn horns, and other illegally harvested body parts."

* * *

Hermione sniffed disdainfully.

"That spell wouldn't have done that," she said, "and don't you think Dumbledore would have tried all those kinds of spells?"

Harry shrugged.

"I don't know," he said, "but at least I'm one person again."

"Say, Harry," asked Ron sweetly, "would you mind picking up my fork?"

Harry looked at him strangely, but bent down to pick it up nonetheless.

Ron grinned as he aimed his wand at Harry's head.

"_Reduc_-"

"Hi, Harry," said Rachel Grey, pushing Ron off his bench and causing him to explode a candle.

"Hi, Rachel," replied Harry and he straightened up, and put Ron's fork back on the table, "how are you?"

Rachel shrugged.

"Alright," she said, "I just wanted to ask you –"

"ANNOUNCEMENT TIME!" declared Professor Dumbledore, standing up at the Staff Table and tapping his water glass happily.

"We're going to have a fun fair!" he said happily. "Can you guess why?"

"Shits and giggles?" asked Snape dryly.

Dumbledore beamed.

"Yes!" he said. "And it's tomorrow, so everyone gets a day off classes!"

"HUZZAH!" cried the students, and a few of the teachers.

"Huh," said Rachel, "Louise will be pleased."

Hermione huffed and muttered something that sounded like "irresponsible … should be studying for NEWTs by now …"

"Where is Louise?" asked Harry.

Rachel shrugged.

"Off with the twins somewhere," she replied, "why?"

"Reven – ah … nothing," said Harry, "no reason."

"Right," replied Rachel, "anyway, I wanted to ask you if you'd seen my Transfiguration textbook anywhere."

"Nope," replied Harry, "maybe you could ask Draco. And while you're there, ask him if he thinks I'm still hot."

"Sure," said Rachel, raising an eyebrow, "I'll definitely do that. Good luck with planning out your nothing on Louise."

"Thanks," replied Harry, and Rachel left the Hall, unaware of the glares Ron was sending her way.

Hermione sighed and picked at her dinner.

"This school is so bizarre,"

* * *

Harry strolled happily through the funfair grounds, eating a toffee apple and reflecting on how he had pushed Louise into a large mud puddle. He waved to Severus, who was look very snarky as he waited for Rachel to tire of the rides, and Lily and James, who had been delighted to discover that their visit coincided with the fair. Suddenly he gasped as he caught a glimpse of Louise, Fred, and George marching determinedly through the crowd towards him. He whipped his head around, looking for some form of escape, and quickly ducked into a small purple tent.

"Good morning," said a small boy from behind a large table.

Harry did a double-take at the size of the boy's eyebrows, but remembered his manners and didn't comment.

"Aren't you the kid Louise was forcing the write lines a while ago?" he asked.

The boy scowled as he nodded.

"Will you hide me from her?" asked Harry.

The boy nodded again.

Harry grinned and sat down.

"Awesome,"

"I'm Johnny, by the way," said the boy.

"Harry," said Harry as he indicated towards himself, "so, are you a fortune teller?"

Johnny shook his head proudly.

"I'm a promise teller," he said, "I tell people promises!"

"And then they come true?" asked Harry.

Johnny shrugged uncomfortably.

"Well," said Harry, "I'll give you this chocolate frog if you tell me a promise."

"It's a deal!" beamed Johnny as he reached for the sweet. But, just as his fingers brushed the wrapping, his head lolled and his posture slumped, his glasses falling awkwardly over his nose.

"Oh, bollocks!" said Harry in fright. "I've killed him!"

"The black approaches …" muttered John absently, "… a new horror rises … the snarky one has the power … with a soulmate beside him … he will defeat the Dark Lord …"

Harry gasped.

"A prophecy!"

"Huh?" said Johnny, as he reached for the chocolate frog.

But Harry just jumped up and ran from the tent.

Johnny shrugged as he unwrapped his chocolate frog.

"Wonder what got into him?"

* * *

"Merlin's beard!" gasped Hermione. "A new Dark Lord?"

Dumbledore removed his cowboy hat solemnly.

"Harry," he said, "would you repeat it again, please?"

"But I just told you!" protested Harry.

Dumbledore gave a Level Eight eye twinkle.

"Oh, fine," sighed Harry, "the black approaches, a new horror rises, the snarky one has the power, with a soulmate beside him, he will defeat the Dark Lord."

Professor McGonagall shook her head sadly.

"It's got to be Severus," she said.

"Who says?" retorted Rachel, folding her arms angrily.

"_The Snarky One_?" asked Will. "I've got to admit, it does sound like Dad."

"What's the problem?" asked Sirius. "Isn't Rachel your soulmate, Severus?"

Severus looked at Rachel sadly, who nodded slowly.

Louise gasped.

"Rachel!" she said. "You don't have a soul, do you?"

"Neither do you!" snapped Rachel.

"It's only on loan!" replied Louise. "I'll get it back in a couple more decades!"

"Rachel doesn't have a soul?" gasped Hermione. "How's that possible?"

"She lost it," said Louise.

"_You_ lost it!" said Rachel. "You were all like 'I'll put it in a safe place' but you _didn't_!"

"I did!" retorted Louise. "But then I got mindwiped, didn't I? And whose fault was that?"

Rachel sighed.

"I don't remember,"

Louise shrugged.

"Me neither,"

Remus held up his hands to stem the flow of argument.

"This isn't going to help," he said calmly, "Severus needs a soulmate, and we need to help him find one."

"I refuse to fine someone else," snapped Severus, "Rachel is the only woman I've met who didn't scream at the sight of my pickled iguana."

"So _that's_ what he calls it," muttered Fred.

"Each to his own," added George.

"Well then," said Hermione practically, "we need to find Rachel's soul."

"How are we going to do that?" asked Will.

"Retrace her steps," replied Hermione.

Louise groaned.

"You do realise she's been alive over a thousand years?"

"Oh," said Hermione.

Dumbledore clapped his hands happily.

"It's settled then!" he said. "You'll all go retrace Miss Grey' steps!"

"But we'll miss classes!" protested Hermione.

"We can't leave the pup-kids!" said Remus.

"Hank will be cranky!" said Will.

"Where were you born, Miss Grey?" asked Dumbledore, ignoring the comments easily.

"Russia," replied Rachel.

"Pack your bags!" declared Dumbledore. "You're going to the USSR!"

* * *

Tada! This fic isn't dead yet! But to keep it alive, we need your help. Just a simple donation of a review per chapter will make all the difference to this story - it's not hard. Do something good. Donate today.


	8. Interlude

The lights came on in a disused classroom

The lights came on in a disused classroom. Louise and Rachel were seated behind a desk, both dressed in professional looking blouses and suits. Louise cleared her throat.

"Good evening," she said, "and welcome to FanFic Watch. I'm Louise Frost,"

" – and I'm Rachel Grey," concluded the other girl. "Tonight we bring news that may shock our listeners. Harry Potter and the Return of the Literary Errors, the sequel to that highly acclaimed product of a disturbed mind, Harry Potter and the Cliches of Doom, has been abandoned."

"Indeed," continued Louise, 'this announcement comes to no surprise to readers who have been awaiting the next instalment for an indefinite period for some time now, but may shock readers who actually believed the Author's claims that she would update once she had time, finished university, got the Internet at her house, recovered from her debilitating illness, concluded the negotiations for a movie contract, and ended all prejudges against llamas."

"And so," added Rachel, "please join us in a moment of silence as we mourn the loss of yet another literary masterpiece."

The girls both paused.

"That's long enough,' said Louise.

"No big loss, really," muttered Rachel, "this has been FanFic Watch with your hosts Rachel Grey,"

"- and Louise Frost," finished Louise, "Tune in next time for an update on the typing monkeys. Goodnight."

"Goodnight,'

The lights dimmed and went out as Louise and Rachel shuffled papers and smiled benignly.

A long echoing groan was heard throughout the school.

The lights came on again.

Louise and Rachel grinned as they danced on the desk, now dressed in bright yellow chicken suits.

"How do you say 'this was all an elebroate prank in order to convince readers that the fic was never going to be updated again whilst also satisfying a need to include the 'indefinate hiatus cliché'' in Gnomish, Louise?"

"J'me etl swi-nj!" proclaimed Louise happily.

"And now in Louisian?"

"Tricked you! Bitches!"

"Once more in Australian?"

"Don't crack the shits, mate, but this wasn't ridgy-didge! Crikey!"

"Again in English?"

"Cor blimy! 'Cuse me, Gov'na, but I'm terribly sorry to report that this has all been a tricky-mickey."

"And … for the Americans?"

"Oh. Mi. Gawd. I can't believe y'all all fell for that!"

Rachel sighed happily.

"Do you think that's enough?"

Louise grinned.

"I hope we get flamed for this."

"Me too, Louise, me too."

And, with that, the lights went down yet again and all readers had the simultaneously pissed off and curiously pleased.

THE END


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Eight**

Harry looked at the list of Rachel's previous known locations and groaned.

"I know," said Louise, "this is going to take ages."

Hermione surveyed the large group that had gathered in the Entrance Hall and sighed.

"Perhaps we should split up?" she suggested.

"We've only got one multi-destinational portkey," said Fred, holding up a small model duck.

"Why don't we just ask Dumbledore for another one?" asked Will.

"His yearly week of nakedness begins today," replied George, "do you want to ask him?"

Will turned a delicate shade of green.

"I'll pass,"

Remus checked his watch.

"We've got a lot of places to check," he said, "let's get going."

"Ready kids?" asked Sirius.

"YAY! INTERNATIONAL MAGICAL TRAVEL!" responded the Pup-kids.

"Apparently we didn't have enough children already," grumbled Snape.

George grabbed Will and Harry and pushed them towards Fred.

"Come on, chaps," he said cheerfully, "you heard the werewolf, get a move on!"

Ron scowled as the anvil he had planned to drop on Harry thudded relatively harmlessly into the floor.

"Making circles, making circles, big and round, big and round," sung Louise, ignoring the strange looks she was receiving and grasping Fred and Rachel's hands, "everybody holds hands, everybody holds hands … and then we go to Russia!"

"How immature," muttered Ophi.

"That didn't even rhyme," complained Lynx.

Nonetheless, everybody held hands, Fred spoke the incantation to activate the portkey, and …

* * *

"Where are we?" asked Louise.

"Russia," said William.

"Duh," added Erindanous helpfully.

"I know which country," replied Louise, "I meant where in the country are we?"

Remus looked at his map; Sirius shrugged.

"Try and remember the last time you were in Russia," suggested Harry.

Rachel looked thoughtful.

"The last time we were in Russia …"

_flashback_

"Fuck," said Rachel, "I'm lost."

"Hide me, hide me, hide me!" shrilled another girl as she skidded around the corner.

"Louise?" asked Rachel. "What are you doing here?"

"Escaping from the KGB," replied Louise, "those people have a surprisingly limited sense of humour."

"Uh-huh," said Rachel, "what did you do?"

Louise coughed.

"It doesn't matter. Where are we anyway?"

"Russia," said Rachel, "duh."

Louise rolled her eyes.

"Both hilarious and helpful," she replied, "I meant where in Russia."

Rachel pulled out a map and shrugged.

"I have no idea,"

"Great," sighed Louise, "we're lost."

_end flashback_

"You two are so helpful," commented Hermione.

"What happened after that?" asked Harry.

"The KGB found us," said Louise, "so we ran down an alley and then hid in a bakery for three days."

"There's a bakery down there," said George, pointing.

"I didn't know you spoke Russian," said Remus.

"I don't," replied George, "I just see a lot of bread."

"Let's go check it out!" said Sirius excitedly.

"Yes," added Severus testily, "after all, how many bakeries can there be in Russia?"

"At least it's a start," replied Remus optimistically.

"Why would a soul be in a bakery anyway?" asked Fred. "I thought we were trying to find Rachel's birthplace."

"If someone turned up dead while we were in Russia," said Ron, "would everyone just suspect the Mafia?"

William shrugged.

"Guess so,"

"Is the Black Market an actual place?" asked Ron.

Louise grinned.

"Actually, there's a funny story about that –"

"Which nobody wants to hear," interjected Rachel.

"Come on," sighed Hermione, "let's just go into the bakery."

"But we're taking up valuable page space!" protested George. "If we just did stuff without standing around discussing our opinions for a bit, then were would the Author be?"

"I'll tell you were the Author would be," added Fred, "she'd be on the couch looking at a very small word document."

"And now," continued George, "she's on the couch looking at a slightly longer word document."

"I'm hungry, Papa," said Caelum.

"ME TOO!" added his brothers and sisters.

Remus looked at Fred and George.

"Can we go into the bakery now?" he asked. "It is almost lunchtime."

The twins shrugged.

"Sure," they replied, "just don't be surprised if, a couple of chapters later, you turn into the person who has to marry the Giant Squid in a Marriage Law revival."

Ron gave a choked sob.

"Oh, Jarred," he whispered.

"Sweet bready treats for all!" proclaimed Sirius, running into the bakery.

Shocked screams filled the air.

"What's happening?" asked Harry, waving his wand around frantically. "Is it the New Dark Lord?"

"No," snaped Snape, "Black just isn't wearing pants."

Louise clicked her fingers and the screaming stopped.

Sirius popped his head out of the bakery.

"Hey," he said, "why'd these Russians scream at me, and then faint?"

"Oh, in the name of Merlin's deep vein thrombosis," said Hank, who had tired of licking himself, "can we just get some bread and get on with finding Rachel's soul?"

"What does a soul look like anyway?" asked Harry, as they all traipsed into the bakery.

Sirius shrugged as he passed out baked goods to his offspring.

"Why can't we just accio it?" asked Will.

"Because you don't know what it looks like, or its general whereabouts," replied Hermione sniffily, "if you'd read Hogwarts: A History –"

"Is that really in there?" asked Harry.

"It contains everything I say," said Hermione imperiously, "after all, who's going to argue with me?"

"Makes sense," said Harry.

"So why don't we try and find its general whereabouts?" asked Fred.

"How?" asked Hermione.

"Harry," said Ron, "why don't you look in this oven and see if Rachel's soul is in there?"

"Ok," replied Harry, crawling into the appliance.

"Could we try point me?" asked William.

"Hey!" said George, running out of the back room, "look what we found!"

He put a box on the bakery counter.

"It's a box!" said Louise happily.

"Incredible," said Snape. "Sometimes it amazes me that you managed to live this long."

"It looks familiar …" muttered Rachel.

"Is your flesh burning, Harry?" asked Ron.

"No," replied Harry, "the oven isn't on."

He climbed out.

"And Rachel's soul isn't in there anyway."

Rachel opened the box.

"Ewwww," said Lynx, "it's a yukky old tooth!"

"EW," added the Pup-kids, "YUKKY OLD TOOTH."

"It's the tooth you left here!" said Louise. "Isn't that cool, Rach?"

"Why would anyone keep a yukky old tooth?" asked Harry.

"YUKKY OLD TOOTH," added the Pup-kids, helpfully.

"Because they thought it would ward off vampires if they kept it in a copper box and did the Chicken Dance every evening at seven," stated Louise.

"It obviously doesn't," said Hermione, glancing at Rachel, "who told them that?"

"I have absolutely no idea," replied Louise innocently.

"This is a great start," enthused Remus, "now we can track Rachel's tooth."

"It's not actually my tooth," replied Rachel, "I nicked it from a dentist."

"Why would you steal a yukky old tooth?"

"YUKKY OLD TOOTH,"

"Thankyou, Pup-kids,"

"No worries,"

"Because I thought it might come in handy one day," explained Rachel.

Hermione sighed.

"I'll trace it anyway," she said, "Originatis!"

The entire group stared at the tooth as it glowed red, and then continued to lay tooth-like in the box.

"It's from Egypt," said Hermione.

"Well," said Remus, "it's a clue, I guess."

"Wanna go see some big pointy houses, kids?" asked Sirius.

"YAY!" said the Pup-kids. "BIG POINTY HOUSES!"

"Can we have a nap first?" asked Harry. "All this wasting page space is tiring."

"There's a very nice little storeroom out back," suggested Louise.

"I think we'll be using Albus's Gringotts' Gold Card to book a hotel room," said Snape, looking around at the group, "or three."

A/N: And you thought it would never happen. Shun the nonbelievers! Anyway, here is it, I hope this helps anyone who's great-aunties' may or may not have fallen into a coma. Please review - you know you want to.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten**

"The entire minibar?!"

"I was thirsty!"

"Ophi's got my pencil!"

"Ron, put down the information desk."

"You know why airplane toilets are so big, right?"

"Oooo, look! A cute little vampire doll!"

"I find that insulting."

"I want peanuts!"

"I want juice!"

"Have you seen my watch?"

Severus rubbed his temples in exasperation.

"Let's just try to get into the airport, shall we?"

"Why aren't we using the multi-locational portkey?" asked Will, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Coz we can't find it," yawned Louise.

"There's customs," said George, pointing to an official looking area with a large sign reading "CUSTOMS" above it.

"We'll get the pup-kids through that security gate if the rest of you want to go through the other," suggested Remus.

"Sure," said Harry, as he walked through the doorway.

"Clear," droned an official-looking woman with a large baton clipped to her belt.

Harry turned to watch the others make their way through. Fred and George were also cleared, and Hermione soon followed them.

Louise had to take off her shoes and belt before she was allowed through, but, despite Fred and George's suggestions, she was allowed to continue wearing her pants.

Severus went through next with no problems, but Ron was searched and the customs woman confiscated a large knife, a box of razor blades, two pairs of nail scissors, a baseball bat, a spear gun, a very realistic replica of a P-90, a set of screwdrivers, nunchakas, lighter fluid, a small fire extinguisher, gel shoe inserts, and three snow globes showing various tourist sites around Russia. However, he was allowed to keep his container of pudding.

"Hey, Harry," said Ron, "want some pudding? It doesn't contain lethal amounts of arsenic."

"I'm fine, thanks, Ron," replied Harry, "I had a big breakfast. Could I have it later?"

"Yes," grinned Ron, "have it for lunch. Have it all for lunch."

The Lupin-Blacks made their way over to the group.

"How are we going?" asked Sirius.

"Almost done," replied Harry, "any problems with you guys?"

"Caelum's retainer went off," said Remus, "but nothing other than that."

Will joined the group, carrying a very grumpy Hank in a carry-cage.

"I once had a hit single," grumbled Hank, "is this any way to treat a superstar?"

Rachel stepped forward, preparing the be the last of the group through the gate, but before she could pass through, a group of several men in black suits walked briskly up to the girl.

"Rachel Carmilla Grey?" asked the short man at the head of the group.

Rachel nodded cautiously.

"We're from the International Crime Squad," continued the man, " we're here to arrested you with the assassination of Mr Jonathon Dohe."

Rachel's eyes widened.

"Fuck," muttered Severus.

"If we don't go now we'll miss our flight!" exclaimed Will, "we'll be stuck here for ages!"

"I refuse to miss more of my schooling for a petty murder investigation!" pouted Hermione, stamping her foot in anger.

"Pup-kids!" shouted Sirius, "ATTACK!"

And, with that, the airport began to resemble a massive children's birthday party in which red cordial was the only beverage served. The officials yelped in pain and terror as the beseeched by the children – they seemed to be everywhere – prodding stomachs, pulling hair, poking eyes, tweaking noses, untying shoelaces, ripping clothes and yelling non-sequiturs into ears like Armageddon was upon them.

Severus grasped Rachel and spirited her away. Louise began encouraging a group of back-packers to riot, and Fred and George surriptiously ignited a few fireworks. Hermione grabbed Ron and Harry and lead them hurriedly towards the boarding gate. Will let Hank out of his cage and whistled in an innocent fashion and the angry grey cat proceeded to wreck havoc on any shin that caught his eye.

"Oh, golly," said Remus as he half-heartedly attempted to pull Eridanus off the leader of the officials, "I'm terribly sorry about this."

Suddenly, a loud siren ripped its way through the crowd. Everyone froze in place.

Caelum fell over. "Aww, man," he sighed, "I never win at Musical Statues."

"What's going on here?" roared a large, furious woman.

Louise immediately started sobbing.

"Я потерял моего ребенка!" she wailed.

"Say what?" muttered Sirius.

"Ahhh … she says she's lost her baby," replied Remus, "… I think."

"Я проник через большие двери, и затем некоторые мужчины взяли мою маленькую Реджину!" continued Louise, which, translated, basically means, "I came through the big door and then some men took my little Regina".

The other woman softened visibly.

"These men would not help me!" continued Louise, obviously still in Russian, "I said, 'my baby, she is gone, will you find her?', but they pushed me and I landed on a suitcase and it banged and the little children became scared and – oh! Who will help my little daffodil now?"

And, with that, she burst into tears, again.

"You!" roared the woman, pointing at the group of officials, "get out of here! I'll deal with you later!"

"But – m'am-", started the short man.

"Do not start with me Ivan!" she retorted, "You're already on probation, I believe?"

The man lowered his head and motioned for the other officials to follow him away from the group. Most of the men didn't look too unhappy at leaving the pup-kids behind.

"There's nothing to see here," said the woman firmly as the motioned for the twins, the Lupin-Blacks, the students, and Will to leave. "Come with me," she said to Louise gently, laying a hand on her shoulder, "we will get you a drink, and then we will find your baby."

Louise nodded tearfully.

"She is so little!" she wailed, "so little!"

Fred and George looked at each other as Louise was lead away.

"Is it just me, or was she-"

"- trying to point at something?"

They looked at the handbag Louise had left behind.

"She did say never, ever-"

"- ever, ever, ever-"

"- to go into the handbag …"

" … but I think this is an exception."

George peered into the bag and pulled out the first thing he found.

"It's … a doll …" he said.

Fred pointed towards the tag hanging from the doll's arm. "Not just a doll," he said, "the label says to tap three times."

George shrugged, and did so.

The doll grew and grew until it was the size of a normal baby. Then, it started to cry. Loudly.

"Мой ребенок!" cried Louise, breaking free of the other woman and running back down the hall towards the twins. "My little Regina! You are safe!"

She took the doll from George and rocked it in her arms.

"But where? Where were you hidden?"

Fred and George looked at each other in confusion.

"We don't speak Russian," said Fred to the official lady.

"English?" suggested George.

Louise shook her head in apparent confusion.

"She asked where the infant was," asked the official.

"Oh," said Fred, "under that luggage trolley, George bent down to pick up his pen and there she was."

The lady nodded.

"Probably put there during the confusion," she said, "and we didn't hear her because of the noise."

"Makes sense," said Harry.

"What are you doing here?" asked George.

Harry grinned. "Leaving,"

Louise stopped cooing at the baby to speak in rapid Russian once more.

"She says she is in eternal debt to you both," said the official.

The Weasley boys smiled.

"Our pleasure," replied Fred.

"But we really must go-" added George.

"- we have a plane to catch," finished Fred.

"Of course," replied the official.

"Will you be ok?" she asked Louise, in Russian.

Louise nodded, her eyes still full of tears.

The lady smiled.

"Good," she said, "now, to go and whip those incompetents into shape."

She walked off, humming happily.

Louise smiled at Fred and George before picking up her handbag and walking off towards the boarding gate.

"Last flight to Eygpt, boarding now," said a mechanical sounding voice over the PA, "repeat, last flight to Eygpt, boarding now."

Fred shook his head in amazement as he and George jogged towards the gate.

"The excitement never ends with this group, does it?"

"So," said Hermione, "do we have any idea of the possible forms a soul can take?"

Ron shrugged as he examined his complementary packet of peanuts.

"What do you think the changes of Harry being allergic to nuts is?" he asked casually.

"He's not," replied Hermione, "he likes peanut butter. Now, this book said that the Ancient Egyptians thought of their soul, or ba, as having the appearance of a bird."

"They also thought that the sun had a chariot," retorted Louise.

Caelum threw up.

"I'm sorry!" he wailed.

"Shhh," said Remus soothingly, as Sirius waved frantically to the hostess, "it's ok, we don't mind –"

"- wipe this up in a jiffy!" interrupted the air hostess brightly.

Rachel and Louise blinked slowly, and then shook their heads, almost in unison.

"Hey, Louise," said Fred, "what was the punchline?"

"Huh?" replied Louise, in obvious confusion.

"The joke you were just telling us," said George, "with the pirate walking into the bar with a ships wheel down his pants and the barman asks him why it's there and then what happens?"

Louise continued to look puzzled.

"A … pirate?" she asked slowly.

"Is this really the best time?" snapped Snape. "We're attempting to find Rachel's soul, and all you dunderheads can talk about is pirates."

"Sorry Snape," replied the twins quietly.

"I think it's unlikely that Rachel's soul will be a bird," said Remus, still rubbing Caelum's back softly, "most scholars nowadays agree that a soul has a mainly mutable quality, making it possible for a soul, or a piece of a soul, to take on the internal form of the vessel it's contained in."

Hermione looked up from where she had been taking notes.

"Are there limitations on where a soul can be housed?" she asked.

"Not really," replied Remus," but I'd assume that most people would chose a safe place."

"Inside something they liked," suggested Sirius.

"I like ponies," said Lynx.

Louise shuddered slightly.

"Stupid creatures," she muttered.

"What do you like, Rachel?" asked Remus.

"Ummm …" said Rachel, "blood …"

"That could prove tricky," muttered William.

"Go on," encouraged Remus.

Rachel thought hard.

"I'm quite fond of Severus," she muttered.

"We know that," said Hermione, "what else?"

"You like coffee," said Louise.

Rachel nodded.

"I like potions too," she said, "and bats."

"You like blackmail," offered Fred.

"And Dracula," added George.

"Didn't you once have a first edition copy of that?" asked Louise. "I can't quite remember, but I think you did."

Rachel scratched her ear,

"Yeah … maybe … I can't remember."

"A first edition of Dracula?" asked Hermione. "If you had that, would you consider it special?"

Rachel nodded.

"Yeah, sure."

Hermione turned to glance questionly at Remus.

"What do you think, Professor?"

Remus nodded slowly.

"It does seems like a good place to put a soul," said Remus.

"Tom sure thought so," added Harry.

"But if Rachel can't remember if she ever had it …" added Remus.

"Usually you have such a good memory," said George.

"Yeah," said Fred, "you remember everything about everyone, and then you blackmail them."

Rachel shrugged.

"I've been around for a while, you know," she said, "there's a lot to memories in over a thousand years existence."

"Well," said Hermione, "this is our best clue so far, and I say we go with it."

"Pity we're going to Egypt then," said George, "unless you brought it here sometime in the last thousand years."

"Still," said Ron, "there's lots of stuff that could kill you in Egypt."

Harry looked around the markets in wonder.

"Even if Rachel's soul isn't here," he said to Will, "I'm glad we came."

Will nodded.

"Yes, I'm so glad we came all this way to stand in the blistering sun and buy cheap junk."

Harry smiled.

"Yeah, it's nice," he said, "do you think Mum would like this necklace?"

"I think I know now why it takes you so long to work anything out."

"How much for the cobra?" asked Ron, as he watched Harry and Will from another stall.

"25 pounds," replied the stallholder, "watch out for this one – it's very aggressive, and deadly."

"Perfik," grinned Ron and he handed over the payment.

Severus groaned.

"What?" asked Rachel. "And don't give me the sand in the underwear line, either. I'm not swapping with you again."

Severus sniffed disdainfully.

"Would I do such a thing?" he asked. "I was merely expressing my displeasure at finding a large jar of Nundu blood, but, unfortunately, not having on me, at the present time, funds sufficient to purchase it."

"Hmmm," said Rachel, as she stroked her chin. "Would you trade the Nundu blood for a woman?" she asked the stallholder.

The stallholder shrugged.

"Depends which woman," he replied, eying Rachel's chest.

Rachel pointed to where Louise was examining a crate of old scrolls.

The stallholder's eyes widened at the sight of Louise's bare legs.

"She's a good woman," said Rachel, sensing an advantage, "very strong – does the work of many camels. Will bear many sons."

"Deal," said the stallholder, "get the woman."

"Oh, Louise," called Rachel cheerfully, "could you come over here, please?"

Louise put down her scroll and walked over to the trio.

"What?" she asked.

The stallholder handed Severus the jar of Nundu blood.

Louise raised an eyebrow as Snape muttered something incomprehensible and all but fled the scene.

The stallholder grabbed Louise's wrist.

"Come, wife," he said, "there are many things that you must do."

Louise kicked him in the shins.

"Let go of my wrist, you dirty little man," she replied angrily, "and I'm not your wife."

The stallholder scowled and gripped her wrist tighter.

"I traded my last jar of Nundu blood for you," he said, "you are my wife now."

"Haven't you ever heard of R-E-S-P-E-C-T?" snapped Louise. "Go get an education; trading isn't marriage."

"You are my wife now," replied the stallholder, "go into the tent!"

"I'm going to give you one last chance to let go of me," said Louise heatedly.

The stallholder tugged her in the direction of his tent.

"Silent, woman," he said.

But he never made it to the tent.

In one fluid movement, Louise had drawn her wand and transfigured him into a scarab beetle.

"Ha," she said triumphantly, "'silent, woman' that, bitch."

"See?" said Rachel to Snape, "I told you she'd be fine."

Louise turned to scowl at her friend.

"You know, Rachel, you can't just keep selling me everytime you can't afford something."

Rachel shrugged carelessly.

"And also," began Louise, but she was distracted by the glint of jewellery from the stall she was standing by. "Oh," she said happily, "something shiny …"

Rachel grinned.

"I knew there was a reason why we're still friends," she said, "you're very easily sidetracked."

"This necklace looks familiar," mused Louise, ignoring Rachel's comments and holding up the piece of jewellery in question, "almost like I had it once but I'd forgotten."

"Well," said Rachel, "you do have a lot of jewellery."

But Louise wasn't listening. Rachel and Severus watched as her eyes flicked between the pendant hanging from the necklace and a small horse standing in front of another stall.

"What's with Louise looking at the foal?" asked Harry, walking up to the group.

"FOALY!" spat Louise, clenching her fists and gritting her teeth. "That prat!" He mind-wiped us!"

"Huh?" said the others, as Rachel's eyes slid out of focus.

Louise walked briskly up to Rachel and slapped her cheek.

"Snap out of it, Rach," she snapped, "we've got some cenataurian arse to kick."

Rachel refocused and grinned.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," she said, "but I like the general gist."

"HOGWARTIANS!" yelled Louise. "Follow me!"

"What's happening?" asked Harry.

Louise grinned evilly.

"We're going down."

"I think she's finally lost it," whispered Hermione.

A/N Sorry that the updates on this have been kinda sporatic. I'll try to get them up more reguarly, but every nice review you send me makes me want to type more; so if you want them sooner, you know what to do. And, as always, I appreciate any ideas or suggestions you guys send in :)


	11. Chapter 11

_Chapter Eleven_

Harry cleaned his glasses on his shirt, replaced them, and looked around the cave they were all crammed into. It was still just a cave.

"Why are we here?" grumbled Will. "I'm tired."

"Hey, Harry," called Ron, reaching into his bag and throwing the recently purchased cobra, "think quick!"

"Huh?" said Harry, turning around and snatching the snake out of the air.

"_I'll kill you all, bitches!"_ hissed the snake.

"_Sorry,"_ hissed Harry, holding the snake so it couldn't fulfill its threat_, "I didn't mean to catch you so hard."_

"Louise," asked Fred, "what are you looking for?"

Louise stuck her finger into a small hole in the side of the cave and grinned.

George shrugged as she began yelling at the rock in a language none present could understand.

"Is she meant to be on any kind of medication?" whispered Sirius.

Rachel opened her mouth to answer, but before she could, part of the cave disappeared, and a pathway into the void became visible.

Louise giggled happily.

"Follow me everybody," she said, "we're going to meet my creator!"

"Louise," said Remus, "are you sure this is safe?"

"Don't worry chaps," she replied, "this'll be fun."

"Will there be sweets?" asked Fornax.

Louise shrugged.

"You'll get to see frogs that swear," she said, and, with that, walked into the dark passage.

Harry walked forward, the cobra now sitting on his shoulder.

"What are you doing?" hissed Snape.

Harry shrugged.

"I'm a Gryffindor. Walking blindly into unknown circumstances is what we do. Plus," he added, "it's not like Louise would ever lead us somewhere dangerous."

Rachel raised her hand.

"Did I ever tell you about the time we were in Mongolia?" she asked.

"HURRY UP!" came Louise's voice from the depths of the inky blackness. "WE'RE GOING TO MISS OUR FLARE!"

Snape sighed, but, nonetheless, the entire group stepped forward to follow Louise into the unknown.

***

"Took you long enough," said Louise, as the group emerged into a brightly lit area that looked vaguely like a tube station, "Burl here is giving us a free run to Haven."

The diminutive bearded figure she was gesturing to grumbled.

"Stop complaining," grinned Louise, "I did too give you a choice. It's not my fault you're not lava-proof."

"Louise," said Remus, "will you please tell us what's going on?"

Louise nodded.

"Sure," she said, "when we get there. Now, everybody in the shuttle! I haven't flown one of these in ages!"

Hermione looked at the bus-sized silver contraption and gulped.

Ron patted her on the shoulder.

"Don't worry," he said, "if we die, so will Harry."

***

Once everyone was in the pod and had strapped themselves in, Louise easily adjusted the control board and fitted the provided helmet onto her head.

"Alrighty, Burl," she called, "let's see how good my training was!"

The pod leaped forward at an almighty speed, running off the edge of the platform and plunging downward into a chasm deeper than any of the wizards had ever seen.

Harry gulped as he caught a glimpse of a pulsing pool of magma below them and attempted not to think about how it would feel to be burnt to a crisp. Sitting next to him, Ron was attempting to picture Harry burning to a crisp. Ron sighed happily.

Louise whooped with exhilaration.

"Fins!" she exclaimed joyfully, and the other occupants of the pod sighed in relief as their ride smoothed out.

"I refuse to ever endure the sensation of being lead to my death by an insane person ever again," said Severus.

"I threw up," moaned Caelum.

"Louise," sighed Remus, as Sirius _scorgified_ the floor.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "well, I just remembered that I was made to forget a lot of stuff by Foaly, even though he said he wouldn't, and so we're going to go back and make him make me remember the things I remember that I forgot because then I'll remember where Rachel's soul is, and then we can go back to school."

Hermione looked blissfully happy for one short moment, but then her face fell.

"But what," she said, "if this Foaly person refuses to do that?"

Louise shook her head confidently.

"He was the one who biologically engineered me," she said, "he wouldn't say no."

***

"No," said Foaly.

Louise frowned.

"Come off it, Foaly," she said, "like you don't owe me for mind-wiping me in the first place."

Rachel's eyes crossed and she began to hum.

"That wasn't my decision," retorted the centaur, "and you forfeited anything I owed you when you forced your way into headquarters, nay, into MY OPS ROOM, with 16 mud-men, a cat, and a snake!"

"I was I knew what was going on," sighed Harry.

"I'll tell you what's going on!" said Foaly. "The Boss thought it would be a great idea if we had an agent that could blend in with the mud-men –"

"That's you," added Louise helpfully.

"- so they got me to combine Holly's DNA with Artemis', something he didn't readily agree to by the way, and create a new agent."

"Me," said Louise.

"Yes," sighed Foaly, "but the experiment was a failure –"

"For Frond's Sake!" burst Louise. "Are you People still sore about what happened in Mexico? That could have happened to anyone!"

"- and after **several** close encounters with the exposure of our entire civilization to the mud-men, they decided to mind-wipe you –"

"And Rachel!" interrupted Louise. "And everytime you say that word she forgets something!"

"What word?" asked Foaly. "Mind-wipe?"

"What's this?" asked Rachel.

"I'm a cat," said Hank.

"And then," continued Foaly. "they sent you were they though you couldn't do any damage."

"Yeah," huffed Louise, "the past."

"Weren't you worried she would change the past?" asked Hermione.

"No," said Foaly, "if it's already happened then how could she change it?"

"Nice to know you all still think so highly of me," muttered Louise. "Failed experiment."

Foaly sighed.

"I am so unappreciated," he muttered. "I gave you life, you know."

Louise crossed her arms angrily.

"But you won't give me back my memories," she pouted.

Foaly shook his head.

Louise flung herself to the ground and wrapped her arms around on the centaur's legs.

"PLEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAASSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE," she entreated.

"No," said Foaly, "get up and stop acting like mud-spawn!"

Louise took a deep breath.

"PPPPPPPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Rachel," said Foaly, "get her off me."

But Rachel just hummed happily as she wiggled her fingers in front of her face.

Foaly turned to the others.

"Are you going to help?"

"Nope," said Hermione, "we're not getting involved in this."

"I'll call your dad!" said Foaly to Louise threateningly.

Louise just tightened her grip and continued to plead.

Foaly pulled himself and the girl attached to his leg over to his workstation and began tapping franticallu at the keyboard.

A loud ringing sound filled the room and soon the face of a pale, raven-haired man appeared on the screen.

"Foaly," he said evenly. "I was in a meeting."

"Fowl," said Foaly, "I need you to get your offspring off me."

The man raised an eyebrow.

"I cannot see my offspring, as you put it, anywhere near you."

In response, Foaly pointed the communication screen towards the ground.

"Ah," said the man.

"Hi, Daddy," beamed Louise, "I went into total recall – but it wasn't much like the movie."

The man sighed.

"Louise," he said, "why are you holding Foaly's leg?"

"Well," said Louise, "my total recall wasn't totally total and Rachel has no recall and Foaly won't un-wipe us, so I have been forced to take extreme action."

The man sighed again.

"That's my dad," said Louise to her friends, "his name is Artemis Fowl."

"Wasn't that the name of the Seventh Year Exchange Student that we had last year?" asked Remus.

Louise nodded.

"Makes sense," said Harry.

"Foaly," said Artemis, "is there any possibility of undoing their mind-wipes?"

Rachel giggled and poked Severus' hair.

"It's so shiny!"

Severus sighed.

"I'd appreciate having my wife returned to normal," he snarked.

Foaly looked at Snape, then Rachel, then Artemis, and then, finally, at Louise.

"Fine," he said, "I'll undo the wipe."

"Yay!" said Louise leaping up off the floor.

"YAY!" said the pup-kids, always ready for a resounding cheer.

Louise hugged Foaly tightly.

"Thanks, Foaly,"

"You owe me," he grumbled.

Louise beamed at Artemis.

"Thanks, Daddy."

Artemis nodded.

"Try not to get into much more trouble," he replied.

"Oh, Daddy," said Louise coyly, "since when do I get into trouble?"

The corner of Artemis' mouth twitched into what might have been a smile.

"You should visit," he said, "you haven't seen Art for a while."

Louise nodded and smiled at the screen.

"I'll owl you at break," she replied.

Artemis nodded at everyone in the room.

"Foaly," he said. "Others."

And, with that, he vanished from the screen.

Foaly sighed.

"Come on then," he said, "I'll get the machine set up."

Louise patted his back.

"I know you feel bad because more people have beaten your invention," she said, "so I'll send you a crate of carrots to make you feel better."

Foaly's ears appeared to prick up slightly.

"Throw in a bottle of beetle juice and I won't hold a grudge," he replied.

***

A/N Sorry, guys, I know it's been a while. I've been pretty busy lately, but I'll update when I can. Although, reviews do make me want to update more (hint, hint, nudge, nudge) ;)


	12. Chapter 12

_Chapter Twelve_

"So," said Hermione, when they were finally all back on the surface, "do you remember where Rachel's soul is now?"

Louise grinned.

"Yup,"

"Oh, good," said Will, "now we can have a proper holiday."

"We're not on holiday," replied Hermione.

"Where is it?" asked Fred. "The soul, I mean."

Louise pulled the necklace she had taken from the Egyptian marketplace out of her pocket and pressed her thumb against the pendant.

"I want one!" cried Lynx, as the pendant opened to reveal a tiny hiding place.

"Lookit, Rachel!" said Louise, "it's your soul!"

The entire group leaned in to peer at the tiny smoke-like bat that sat nestled in Louise's palm.

"Awww," said Harry, "it's so cute!"

"Good," said Hermione, "now we've just got to figure out how to get it back into Rachel."

Rachel shrugged.

"I'm afraid I don't have any idea how to do that," she said, "I'm more about the removal."

Severus checked his watch.

"There's a large magical library in Cairo," he said, "it could be worth a visit."

The he saw Louise grin.

"Unless Miss Frost knows how to restore the soul?" he added.

Louise continued to grin as she took hold of Rachel's shoulder.

"What are you doing?" asked Rachel nervously.

And that was when Louise planted the palm of her free hand onto Rachel's forehead.

"Ow!" shouted Rachel. "Louise!"

Louise giggled and waved her hand in front of Rachel's eyes.

"Lookit," she said, "no soul!"

"Rachel," asked Remus, "what do you feel?"

"Apart from the throbbing pain in my head?" retorted Rachel. "I feel … kinda sparkly and bubbly."

"YAY!" said the pup-kids. "SPARKLY AND BUBBLY!"

"Now we can go back to school!" cheered Hermione.

The impromptu celebrations ceased.

Ron took the opportunity to push Harry into a large ant's nest.

***

"Welcome back!" beamed Dumbledore. "I trust you were successful?"

The group nodded.

"Any sign of the Dark Lord yet?" asked Harry.

"No," replied Dumbledore, "Colin Creevy has gone missing though."

"But has anyone been killed?" asked Will.

"No,"

"Tortured?'

"No,"

"Forced to act in a way differential to their usual personality?"

Dumbledore looked thoughtful.

Ron climbed on top of a large cupboard, leapt on to a ceiling beam, shimmed across until he was hanging upside down in the middle of the hall and started to unscrew the large chandelier that Harry was currently standing under.

"No," Dumbledore replied, "nobody comes to mind."

"Well," said Hermione, "in that case we should probably go and unpack. We'll need to be fresh and rested for tomorrow."

"Need any help carrying your bags up to your room, Hermione?" asked Harry eagerly.

"No, thankyou," she replied, "I can carry them. And Draco will help me unpack."

Harry appeared to deflate slightly as he picked up his trunk and started to trudge up the stairs to Gryffindor tower.

"Cheer up, Harry," said Fred as they climbed, "there's worse things than your best friend trying to hook in with the ex you still have feelings for."

"Oh, yeah?" asked Harry, "like what?"

Behind them, the chandelier smashed to the ground.

"Bollocks," muttered Ron.

***

"Ah," sighed Will happily, "I missed these feasts."

Beside him, Harry nodded miserably.

"Why the long face?" asked Seamus.

Harry sighed.

"Draco still doesn't want to go out with me."

"Hmmm," said Neville/Alex, "maybe you just need a new boyfriend."

Harry sighed again,

"HEY EVERYONE!" yelled Dean, standing on his seat to gather more attention, "WHO WANTS TO DATE HARRY?"

Approximetly ¾ of the students currently within the Hall stood up.

"ME!" shouted the crowd as one. "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

Harry looked over to where Draco sat eating his meal as nothing had occurred, and sighed, yet again.

"I'm going to bed," he muttered.

Dumbledore gave a Level Three eye twinkle as he watched Harry slump out of the Hall.

"Looks like Mr Potter could use some cheering up," he said quietly, as he steepled his fingers, " … it's time for … a party."

Severus groaned and hit his head against the staff table.

***

"Cheer up, Harry!" said George, throwing an arm around the other boy's shoulders, "we all know you're not really going to go to sleep, so why not come and play Truth or Dare with us?"

Harry shrugged.

"I don't really feel like it," he replied.

"Go on!" urged Fred. "We've got heaps of butterbeer –"

"Come on, Harry!" yelled Seamus from the Common Room. "Come get maggot!"

"- and if you don't," added George, "we won't tell you our brilliant plan that is practically guaranteed to make the ferret want you again."

Harry's eyes lit up.

"It's a deal!" he said, sticking out both of his hands.

"Bonus," said the Weasley twins in unison, taking a hand each and shaking with enthusiasm.

***

"So," slurred Harry," who's gonna dare me to kiss someone now?"

"I'll do that," giggled Dean, "I dare you to kiss … Voldemort!"

Louise spilt her drink as she laughed at the prospect.

"Taxi!" shouted Seamus.

"Too much to drink, love?" sniggered Neville/Alex.

Hermione sniffed disapprovingly.

"She's only drinking Unicorn Heavens!" crowed George.

"S'non-alcholic!" added Fred.

Louise giggled helplessly.

"It's the sugar," she explained between spurts of laughter.

Harry hiccupped loudly.

"Voldepants?" he questioned. "He's not bad now though."

"Still ugly," cackled Lavender.

"Like a caldron full!" chuckled Parvati.

"If Harry doesn't do it, can we tickle him?" asked Ron, holding up a large corkscrew, "with this?"

Harry staggered to his feet.

"I'm gonna do it," he announced, "s'no ticklin', Ron."

Ron's face fell, and he hugged the corkscrew tightly.

"Don't worry, Precious," he muttered, "one day we'll get the tickling …"

Harry attempted a jaunty wave, then he did a clumsy spin, and disappeared.

"YOU CAN'T DISAPPARATE ON HOGWARTS' GROUNDS!" shrieked Hermione, pulling her hair so hard that a few clumps came out in her clenched fists. "IT SAYS SO IN HOGWARTS: A HISTORY."

Louise stood up, giggled, and fell over again.

Seamus started snoring.

George yawned and downed the rest of his butterbeer.

"Let's go to bed," suggested Fred.

The drunken students gave lazy grunts of agreement before stumbling to any reasonably comfortable areas, and falling asleep.

Hermione looked at the clumps of hair she was still holding and shrugged.

"No point wasting good food," she muttered.

Dean threw up.

***

Harry yawned widely and stretched his arms.

"This bed is like a rock," he grumbled sleepily.

"It is a rock," replied a voice from nearby.

Harry opened his eyes and looked around.

"Huh," he replied, "so it is."

He looked over to where the voice had originated from.

"Tom!" he beamed. "Did I do my dare?"

"What dare?" asked the Dude-Formally-Known-As-The-Dark-Lord. "You apparated in here around midnight, threw-up, and then fell asleep."

"Explains the weird taste in my mouth," mused Harry as he aimed a mouth freshening charm at himself.

He stood up and brushed down his robed.

"Now, Tom," he said, "I'm going to kiss you."

Voldemort raised an eyebrow.

"I'm old enough to be your grandfather," he replied, "and I'm straight."

"Whew!" said Harry. "Aren't you in a minority! But I really do have to kiss you, otherwise Ron will hurt me."

Tom sighed.

"Fine, get it over with then."

Harry walked over to the other wizard, stood on his tiptoes, and gently kissed Voldemort on the cheek.

Voldemort opened one eye.

"That it?" he asked. "Are you done now?"

Harry nodded.

"Yup," he replied, "but where are we?"

Tom sighed.

"We're in a cell."

"A cell?" asked Harry. "A cell as in a prisoner type cell?"

"No," replied Tom sarcastically, "a cell as in a lovely little holiday in Greece type cell."

"No need to be snappy," muttered Harry. "I just woke up, you know."

Tom sighed.

"We're being help by the Dark Lord," he supplied.

"The new one?" asked Harry.

Voldemort opened his mouth to reply.

"It's ok," said Harry, "I get the sarcasm bit."

"And I had such a good line," muttered Tom.

"How'd the Dark Lord catch you anyway?" asked Harry. "I would have thought you'd be good at avoiding capture."

"I usually am," replied Voldemort, "but I got a postcard in the mail inviting me to a sci-fi convention and, well, here I am."

Harry shook his head sadly.

"The ol' sci-fi convention trick, ey?" he muttered. "We mustn't underestimate this Dark Lord."

"Any idea who it is?" asked Voldemort.

"Nope," replied Harry, "who else is in here?"

"Only some whiny little brat with a massive fringe," said Voldemort, "keeps trying to get the guards to let him go on Facebook."

Harry started.

"Oh my gosh!" he said. "It must be Colin! Dumbledore said he'd gone missing!"

"Harry?" called a voice from the next cell. "Is that, like, totally you?"

"Yeah, it is," replied Harry, "how'd they get you, Colin?"

Colin's heavy sigh echoed around the cells.

"Someone was selling a Panic!At The Disco limited edition ipod cover in the Hogwarts Herald," he replied, "but when I went to meet them in Hogmeade, they stunned me and brought me here."

"The Hogwarts Herald, ey?" mused Harry. "Interesting."

"Yeah, that's great," said Voldemort, "now how are we going to get out of here or not?"

Harry stroked his chin thoughtfully as he leaned against the cell door.

"Oooof," he said, as he fell to the ground.

"Amazing!" said Voldemort. "The door was unlocked!"

Harry rubbed his backside.

"You didn't think to check?"

Tom shrugged.

"I'm not really a hands-on type of evil genius …"

"Whatever," said Harry as he unlocked Colin's cell.

Colin flipped his fringe as he walked out of the cell. "I, like, knew you'd come for me," he said.

Harry nodded.

"Sure you did," he replied, "come on, let's go."

***

"Where are we now?" asked Harry.

"I looks like a pine plantation," replied Tom.

Harry looked at all the pine tree and nodded.

"Seems like a pretty good guess," he said, "and at least we're safer here."

Colin flipped his fringe.

Suddenly, one of the massive evergreens surrounding them shuddered, and fell, directly on top of Colin.

"OMG!" cried Harry. "Colin! Are you ok?!"

"I'm, like, squashed under, like, a pine tree," came the muffled reply, "the darkness is, like, closing in on me, it's, like, totally dark."

"I think we should take him to St Mungo's," suggested Tom.

"Alright," said Harry, "hang on, Colin, you'll be fine."

"There's a pine needle, like, poking my eye," replied Colin, "I'm totally, like, blogging about this when we get back."

Harry reached underneath the branches of the tree to grab Colin's ankle.

"We should be able to Apparate directly there," said Tom, reaching out for one of Colin's wrists.

"On three," said Harry.

"Like, three, already!" said Colin.

"Three," said Tom, and they vanished.

Mere seconds after their exit, a long, high scream echoed through the pine plantation – the Dark Lord had discovered their escape.

***


	13. Chapter 13

_Chapter Thirteen_

"Well done, Harry!" said Dumbledore. "You've escaped from the Dark Lord once more!"

"It wasn't really that hard," replied Harry modestly, "and I don't even know how I got there."

Dumbledore ignored him.

"We should have a party!" declared the Headmaster. "To celebrate your escape! And the release of the last book!"

"What book?" asked Harry.

Dumbledore checked his watch.

"Steak and cheese pie for lunch today, Harry," he said, "let's go tell everyone about the party!"

The Headmaster waltzed cheerfully out of the room.

Realizing that this kind of opportunity did not come around every day, Harry began rummaging through Dumbledore's desk.

After picking his way through three drawers of old socks, phoenix feathers, interstaff memos and raw pasta, Harry found what he was looking for – a large jar of Sherbet Lemons.

"WARNING:," read Harry aloud, "excessive consumption of Quiggly Brand Sherbet Lemons may cause giddiness, eye twinkles, constipation and/ or sexual attraction to socks."

He immediately dropped the sock he was holding.

"That's disgusting," he muttered, "but it does make sense."

Suddenly, Fawkes burst into the room, grabbed Harry by the collar, and vanished them both out of the room.

***

"Oooph," said Harry as he hit the ground.

The ground said nothing, although it did look slightly disgruntled.

"Let's get this party started right now!" beamed the Headmaster.

"The party is now?" said Harry. "Makes sense."

And, with that, he put the jar of Sherbet Lemons in his pocket, and went in search of a red-light situation.

"Why did this party have to be held outside?" grumbled Rachel, adjusting her Super Massive Black Hat™.

"Lighten up, Rach," replied Fred, "what could possibly go wrong?"

"I could burn up and be left only as a pile of smoldering ashes," retorted Rachel.

Hermione tutted.

"I think you're over reacting," she said, "I mean, this is Britain!"

Rachel muttered angrily.

"Have you ever been outside without your hat on?" asked Dean.

"No," replied Rachel.

"Then how do you know it'll hurt you?" asked Neville/Alex.

"Ever jumped into the vat of molten lead?" asked Rachel.

"No," replied Neville/Alex.

"Want to try it and see if it hurts?"

"I think this is all just an urban myth," said Hermione.

"And I think Twilight is a great book," said Louise.

Hermione looked at her in confusion.

"Oh, sorry," said Louise, "I thought we were taking turns at saying things that were obviously stupid lies."

"I think you're just being silly," said Hermione, and, with that, she reached up and plucked Rachel's hat off her head.

"ARGH!" screamed Rachel. "It BURNS!"

"Holy hippogriffs!" cried Louise and huge shadows of steam rose from Rachel's skin and the smell of burning flesh filled the air.

"Put the hat back on!" yelled Fred.

George grabbed the wide-brim from Hermione and jammed it back on Rachel's head.

The sizzling stopped.

"Are you ok, Rachel?" asked Louise tentatively.

Rachel opened her eyes and looked at her hands fearfully.

She gasped.

"I'm … I'm … TANNED!"

"Opps," said Hermione.

"It's not that bad," said Neville/Alex, "could be worse."

Dumbledore wandered over to the group, whistling happily.

"Has someone been cooking pork sausages?" he asked.

Rachel burst into tears.

"SEVERUS!" screamed Louise. "Get over here!"

Snape snaped over to the group.

"Need I remind you, again, Miss Frost, that whilst you attend this school, I am your superior?"

"Shut up," replied Louise, "Rachel's upset."

"Look what they did to me, Sevvy!" wailed Rachel.

Severus recoiled, repulsed.

"You're … tanned …"

"I know!" sobbed Rachel.

"For Frond's Sake, Snape," said Louise, "tell her she still looks beautiful and that you love her."

"I love you Rachel," said Snape, "and …"

Rachel looked up hopefully.

Snape swallowed heavily.

"Go on," whispered Dean.

"I'm … I'm sorry, Rachel," said Snape, "I love you, but I'm just not attracted to you anymore."

Rachel's bottom lip quivered.

"You shallow bastard!" yelled Louise, and, with a flick of her wand, Snape had blonde hair.

"Oh, Merlin!" cried Draco, "Not with his complexion!"

"Hi, Hermione," said Harry, "we just got here. What's going on?"

"Hermione," growled Rachel, turning to face the other girl, "you stole my future, you broke my dreams …"

"She'll kill you," finished Louise.

Hermione gulped.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"Oh," said Rachel, "well, then, if you're sorry …"

"You won't kill me?" asked Hermione hopefully.

Rachel scowled.

"I'm going to make you rue the day you ever heard the phrase 'urban myth'."

"Run," suggested Louise.

Hermione did so.

"Come on, Rachel," said Louise, "Let's go investigate anti-tanning methods."

"So, Draco," ventured Harry, after the girls left, "you wanna come help me pimp my ride?"

"No," replied Draco succinctly, and walked away.

"Dammit," sighed Harry, "I thought I was in this time, fo' sure."

***

Harry sighed.

"There's nothing to do," he grumbled.

"I could kill you, if you like," suggested Ron.

Harry glared at him.

"No, thankyou,"

"No, really! I brought this set of gallows from IKEA – we can make it, and then kill you! It'll be fun!"

"How about we play chess?" asked Harry.

"I'd rather kill you," muttered Ron.

"But you love chess!"

Ron shrugged.

"Ron," asked Harry, "is there something wrong? You can tell me anything you know. We're all friends here."

Ron just sighed and stroked his Frånfälle flat pack.

Suddenly, there was a bright flash of purple light.

"Snap out it it!" shrieked Louise, from where she was hiding behind Ron's chair.

"OMG!" gasped Ron, "Cho Chang was trying to make me kill you!"

"WHAT?!" replied Harry.

"Ah," sighed Louise in satisfaction, "that was totally worth the nine hours I spent sitting here."

***

"So," summarized Hermione, "Cho Chang attempted to get Ron to kill Harry, but we have no idea why."

"I'm sorry, mate," said Ron, "she used her feminine wiles on me – I thought they were just an urban myth!"

Hermione clapped her hands over her mouth and looked around the room quickly.

"It's ok," replied Harry, "most people try to off me at some point. I'm kinda getting used to it."

"Ron," whispered Hermione, "is Rachel here?"

"No,"

Hermione sighed, relived.

"Ok, so, do you remember anything about the day that Cho put her wiles on you?"

Ron looked thoughtful.

"Well …" he said slowly, "the wireless was on. There was a song playing about teenagers scaring the living shit out of someone … but then Cho turned it off … she called it 'emo trash'."

"Emo trash!" gasped Harry.

"OMG!" said Hermione. "Colin's in trouble!"

"To St Mungos!" declared Ron.

***

"Colin's in room 35," said Harry.

"We know," said Hermione, "you've already told us eight times."

"I'm just nervous," said Harry, "I hope he's ok."

"YOU!" shrieked a loud voice, seemingly from nowhere.

The three students wheeled around, wands in hand.

"Show yourself!" yelled Harry.

"If you want to kill Harry, you'll have to go through me first!" shouted Ron, trying to make up for his previous homicidal tendencies.

"HERMIONE!" shrilled the same voice, "IS IT REALLY YOU?"

"Ah," said Hermione, "I guess so."

"Oh," said the voice, "I haven't seen you since you were a tiny baby."

"Where _are_ you?" asked Harry.

"Over here," said the voice, "in the portrait."

The group walked over to the portrait in question.

"Wow," said Ron, "she looks just like you, Hermione."

"That's because I'm her grandmother, dear," said the bushy-haired lady in the portrait, "haven't you told them about your family, Hermione?"

"I don't know what you mean," replied Hermione, "my family are all Muggles."

The portrait gasped.

"Muggles?" she said. "You mean, nobody has told you the truth?"

"The truth?" asked Ron.

"Hermione," said the portrait, "you are the last in the Twiddleklinger family line. We sent you to the Muggles during the first war to protect you."

"I'm not Muggleborn?" asked Hermione.

"Twiddleklinger?" whispered Harry to Ron, who hid a snigger.

"Of course not!" replied the portrait, "You're a pureblood!"

"Wow," said Hermione, "I guess nobody saw that one coming."

"There's something else that you probably haven't been told," said the portrait.

"Do we have awesome hereditary abilities?" asked Hermione excitedly.

"Yes, yes," said the portrait dismissively, "but this is more important than that."

"Have I inherited large tracts of land?"

"Yes, yes, but this –"

"Are we incredibly rich?"

"Yes, but-"

"Do I get a pony?"

"No!"

Hermione pouted.

"Hermione," said the portrait, "listen to me. You had a curse put on you as a baby. You'll turn into a flobberworm on your next birthday –"

Hermione gasped.

"-unless you marry the man we promised you to!"

"Stop right there," said Ron, "Hermione is an independent woman, she won't marry someone just because you say she should! And women aren't possessions to be 'promised' or given away! We'll find a way to break the curse and free Hermione!"

"That's right!" said Hermione, "But, just out of curiosity, who was I promised to?"

The portrait sighed.

"Draco Malfoy,"

"I'm in!" squealed Hermione.

"Oh, snap," said the statue opposite the group, as Harry began to weep.

***

A/N: This is a very short chapter, and not at all what you deserve after such a long time of not updatingness. I am suffering writer's block (now I know how McGee feels). My poor little notebook only has a paragraph about Hermione screaming left in it. Sad, sad times. Anyway, if you can find it in your hearts, please review and suggest what you'd like to see happen next. And I shall go and attempt to find out why Hermione is screaming. Yours, TLLL.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

Dumbledore gave a Level Seven Eye Twinkle™ as he gazed serenely around the room.

"What are you looking at, Professor?" asked Harry.

"Oh," said Dumbledore, "the walls. I was just thinking about how they'd look so much nicer if I could match them to my robes."

Harry eyed Dumbledore's robes.

"Uh," he said, "… ok?"

"Where were we?"

Harry scratched his head.

"Well, I'd just finished telling you about how Hermione has a curse on her that means that she has to marry Draco, and that also she's actually a pureblood."

Dumbledore nodded and towered his hands.

"And I gave you some calm and wise advice?"

"Uh, no," replied Harry, "you suggested that I have another sherbet lemon, and, sir, there's something about those that you should probably know …"

Dumbledore held up a hand imperiously.

"I won't hear a word against them! Now, what I think we should do is hold the wedding for Hermione and Draco right here, at Hogwarts."

"But, Professor, I was thinking that maybe we could break the curse and then they wouldn't have to get married and then also I might have a chance with Draco in The Future™?"

"Oh," said Dumbledore, "The Future™. Well, Harry, let me tell you about The Future(TM)."

He closed his eyes and hummed a few bars from "I Want You So Hard" and Harry felt himself becoming insubstantial and ghostlike, and then he was in …

_THE FUTURE™_

Harry waved his hands in front of his face.

"Whoa!" he said. "I can't see myself!"

Someone tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hiya,"

Harry did a double-take.

"Louise?!"

Louise nodded.

"Hi, Harry. I'm here to guide you through just one of your possible futures."

"Why are you everywhere?" demanded Harry. "I'd never ever heard of you two years ago and now you're always around. You're all like, "oh I've been here", "oh I've done that", "oh I appear in random situations with the correct answer". HOW? WHY?"

"What, where?" supplied Louise helpfully. "Harry, I can't answer that question; I'm afraid that I'm bound by The Code™."

Harry sighed heavily.

"Makes sense."

Louise patted him on the back.

"There, there. Now, wouldn't you like to see The Future™?"

Harry's face brightened.

"Do I get a jet pack?"

Louise laughed.

"Oh, Harry, this isn't a James Bond movie! No, your future is remarkably similar to your present, although you're older and … well, take a look."

And so Harry did.

"Oh!" he said. "There's me! Look at me! I'm taller and I'm wearing cool robes!"

Louise nodded.

"You're a Auror."

Harry frowned.

"But I don't want to be an Auror. I've been pushed into fighting evil from Day One™ and I don't like it. Why would I want to do that for a job?"

"Too bad, now keep looking."

"Ok, well, there's Ginny. Why's she here?"

"She's your wife."

"WHAT?!"

Louise pointed to Future!Harry and Future!Ginny's matching wedding rings.

"See, you're straight in this future and you married Ginny after being teenage sweethearts."

Harry gagged.

"I marry a GIRL?!"

"And see those smaller people?"

Harry nodded.

"Yeah, I see them."

"Those are your children."

Harry gagged again.

"I PROCREATED?!"

Louise grinned.

"Do you want to know what you called them?"

Harry shut his eyes and groaned.

"You're enjoying this way too much."

"James Sirius, Lily Luna, and _Albus Severus_."

"Oh, Merlin. Do I _hate_ my children in this future, too?"

Louise just smiled happily.

"Harry Potter … _This_ Is Your Life."

"Louise?"

"Yes?"

"What does this have to do with Hermione and Draco getting married?"

"Well, it'd be better than letting this happen, wouldn't it?"

Harry sighed.

"Can't I have a win-win situation?"

Louise scoffed.

"Like that'd happen. You'd need to win Draco back, break Hermione's curse, defeat the New Dark Lord™ –"

"Huh," said Harry, "I'd almost forgotten about that."

"- and you'd need to take a long time to do it, because The Author has pretty much run out of clichés to write about –"

"What about the cliché where I'm raised as a girl?"

Louise clicked her fingers, and Harry was wearing a dress.

"There, done."

"What about the cliché where I am partnered with a Mary-Sue?"

Louise grabbed Harry by the scruff of the neck and mashed their lips together.

Harry gasped.

"You kissed me without asking!"

Louise grimaced as she wiped her mouth on her sleeve.

"Ugh, done."

Harry frowned.

"Ok, well, what about the cliché where I'm disabled or disfigured or a mutant or something?"

Louise sighed and clicked her fingers again.

"What?" said Harry. "What did you do?"

"I made it so you're a blind, deaf mute with no legs and a very lame ability - you can make teabags waterproof."

Harry groaned.

"Oh, man."

"Yeah," said Louise, "not that amusing, is it?"

Harry shook his head sadly.

Louise turned and looked directly into the camera.

"And maybe now you'll think before you judge someone by their abilities or looks."

"But I wasn't doing that!"

"Shut up, Harry. I'm trying to make this pointless scene at least have a moral."

Harry sighed again.

"This is so gay."

"Harry … when you say gay, do you know what you say?"

"No, I don't. Can we go back to the present now?"

Louise held up one finger.

"There's just one last thing for you to see."

"Oh, so I'm no longer a blind, deaf mute with no legs and the lame ability to make teabags waterproof?"

"… no."

"Makes sense. Hey! Why was I able to see and talk and stand up this whole time then?"

Louise cleared her throat and dramatically pointed.

"Oh!" said Harry. "That looks like Draco!"

"It is," said Louise darkly, "and he's about to turn around and face us …"

Draco turned.

Harry gasped.

"RECEEDING HAIRLINE?! NOOOOOO!"

Louise nodded grimly.

"OH GOD" continued Harry "I DON'T WANT TO LIVE."

* * *

Harry sat bolt upright in his bed. He looked around frantically, grasping his sheets in his clenched fists.

"Wassa madda?" mumbled Ron from the next bed. "Scar senses tingling?"

"No," muttered Harry, "just a bad dream. Just a dream."

Underneath his bed, Louise chuckled evilly.

* * *

Harry looked around the room frantically. He tried to move his arms but they were pinned to his sides by a strange Muggle device.

"Help!" he cried. "Let me out! I have to save Draco!"

He continued to scream, his voice sounding strangely small in the clinical white of the room.

Outside the door, Dr Frost shook her head sadly.

"That poor boy, every now and then he snaps out of his dream life, only to realize that he's alone and chained."

Dr Grey made a note on her clipboard.

"It's not your fault you couldn't cure him, Louise. Maybe he's better off this way."

Dr Frost sighed heavily.

"At least this way he never has to know that he killed everyone he ever loved."

The two doctors turned and walked down the long hallway, their footsteps echoing in Harry's ears as he fell deeper into the maw of his own insanity.

* * *

A/N: Please, people, I need more cliches!


	15. Chapter 15

_Chapter Fifteenth _

Harry Potter woke up. Again.

He looked around and then breathed a deep sigh of relief. He appeared to be in a normal looking bed, Louise didn't seem to be around, and he could move his arms freely.

He smiled.

"Maybe today will be normal …" he said optimistically.

"Of course it will be normal!" chirped a voice from the doorway, "everyday is normal now!"

Harry gasped.

"Cho?!"

Cho fluttered her eyelashes as she balanced a full breakfast tray on the bedside table.

"Oh, Harry, it's so sweet how you still are stunned by my beauty, even after nine years of marriage."

Harry blinked.

"Say what?"

Cho giggled.

"Ok, silly, I'll play your game," she said as she sat down on the edge of the bed, "When you were in your Seventh Year at Hogwarts, I began my mission to educate the Wizarding World. At first you opposed me, but you eventually realized how nice everything is when everything is _normal_. So, now everything is normal! You realized that homosexuality is not normal, and married me. Colin Creevy stopped listening to that horrid 'emo' music, and became a banker. Severus Snape cut his hair, because everyone knows that men don't have long hair! Hermione Granger stopped reading and became a housewife. Like me! All the women are housewives now! It's normal!"

"Umm," said Harry, "but what if a woman wanted a career or didn't want to get married or wasn't attracted to men?"

Cho looked at him strangely.

"What do you mean, Harry? Women become housewives."

"But," said Harry, "what about when you were the New Dark Lord™?"

Cho blushed.

"Oh, yes, I did do that, and it was horrid of me, but I had to! So that everything would be normal!"

"So," said Harry slowly, "now everything is normal?"

Cho beamed.

"Yes!"

Harry licked his lips nervously.

"But what if someone isn't normal?"

"Do you mean, like, if someone makes casserole for Tuesday night dinner instead of Thursday?"

Harry nodded.

"Er, yes, like that."

"Well," said Cho softly, "they're send to be re-educated, Harry, at the Ministry."

"And then what happens?"

Cho smiled.

"And then they're normal."

Harry attempted to smile back.

"Ok, well, thanks for telling me all that, even though I didn't really ask about it."

"Of course, dear," replied Cho, "now, you eat up your breakfast, and I'll go and teach our daughter to play with dolls and reject independent thought."

Harry kept smiling as he watched her leave the room.

"Oh Merlin," he whispered to himself, "this really doesn't make sense."

So he did what any hero would do when faced with a disturbingly normal world. He jumped out the window.

As Harry ran down the street in his pajamas, he wondered how soon the Ministry would be notified that someone wasn't being normal. From the amount of people in their cookie cutter condos throwing their owls out of the windows, he reasoned pretty quickly.

He jumped over a fence and made a path through a meadow filled with buttercups and daisies. As he dodged all of the frolicking couples he wondered how all of this horror had come to pass.

He didn't have an answer by the time he came to a small stream, so he jumped over that as well and kept running.

Over a hill, down a darrow, through a naze, past a ruined city, Harry continued to run.

A pale humanoid with glowing green eyes ran up next to him.

"Your eyes are like The Sunwell," stated the creature, as Harry stared at the large sword strapped to its back, "before the explosion that doomed us all, of course."

"What?" gasped Harry, but the creature had disappeared in a swirl of green leaves.

Harry shook his head in confusion, and continued his journey.

He passed a bench.

"Run, Forest," called an old lady as he ran past, "Run!"

Harry did so.

The day ran its course, and the night had settled over the lands before Harry stopped.

"Whoa," he gasped, "I knew buying exercise devices from Infomercials was a good idea."

"Harry?" said a voice, "Is that you?"

Harry straightened quickly and pointed his wand at the shadowy figure emerging from the darkness.

"Who is it?!" he asked. "Show yourself!"

The figure moved forward, holding their hands in the universal gesture for 'hey man, put down the possibly deadly weapon, would ya?'

"It's Hermione Granger," she said, as the moonlight reflected off her bushy hair, "I'm not going to hurt you."

"Hermione?" repeated Harry. "What are you doing out here?"

Hermione tossed her hair proudly.

"I refuse to be a housewife any longer!"

Harry gaped.

"You're going against the rules!"

Hermione nodded.

"I don't know why I obeyed them for so long, I guess I was just so happy to be married to Draco …"

Harry growled.

Hermione put her hands back in the air.

"He's all yours!"

Harry lowered his wand, pacified for now.

"So, what changed?"

"I realized that something was seriously wrong with the way everyone just accepted what was decreed as normal. People would accept something one day, and the next day refuse to speak of it! Anyone who did something wrong would be taken to the Ministry, and when they came back … it's like they weren't the same people!"

"Oh my god," said Harry, "a conspiracy!"

"Yes!" said Hermione. "We need to change everything Harry! We need to go back in time, to save The Future™!"

"Oh!" said Harry. "I like this idea! But how?"

Hermione snapped her fingers.

"I know! We'll summon a presence to help us!"

"Sounds cool! How do we do that?"

Hermione cleared her throat and pointed her wand to the sky.

"Repeat after me, Harry: _Our Helper, Marty McFly, who art from California, alliterative be his name, in the DeLorean come, and save us from, Hell on Earth_,"

As they finished the last word, there was a bright flash of light, and a car suddenly appeared before them.

"Oh," said Hermione, looking pleasantly surprised, "I'm quite amazed that that actually worked."

"Quick," said Marty McFly, "we've got to get you Back to the Past!"

* * *

Harry looked up at Hogwarts Castle and sighed happily.

"Finally, we're back. I hope I don't have to see The Future™ again for a very long time."

Hermione looked pained as she forced herself not to point out to Harry that, technically, tomorrow would be The Future™, but she nodded anyway.

Harry looked at his watch.

"But we've only got two weeks to find out how to break the curse so that you don't have to marry Draco!"

Hermione sighed.

"Yeah, I guess we can't risk that future happening again,"

Harry nodded in a self-satisfied way.

"Exactly,"

"Well, then," said Hermione, "to the Library!"

* * *

Harry picked up a book and brought it back to the table where Hermione had set up her study area.

"What book is that?" she asked.

Harry shrugged.

"Dunno," he replied, "my instincts told me to pick it up."

Hermione scoffed.

"Harry," she said, "when you're studying, procedure and reason are very important. You can't just select books willy-nilly and expect the answer to jump out at you!"

Harry smiled.

"Sure," he countered, "but you forget, I'm the protagonist."

He then proceeded to close his eyes, open the book at random and jab his finger at the page.

Hermione peered over curiously, trying to read the page upside-down.

"Look!" said Harry. "_'So Your Friend Is Engaged To The Man You Love And Will Turn Into A Flobberworm If She Doesn't Marry Him: How To Break The Curse'_!"

"Oh," said Hermione, "well that's certainly convenient. Why didn't you do that before?"

"Er," said Harry.

"Never mind," said Hermione, "let's just break the curse."

"It says here," said Harry, "that just need to read out the magic words."

"Oh," said Hermione excitedly, "is it an Ancient Language that only the wisest Witches and Wizards would be fluent in?"

Harry nodded.

"I think it is!"

Hermione clasped her hands in ecstasy.

"This is thrilling! Go ahead, Harry, read it out!"

"Uoyno Pade Calp Esruc Ehtka Erbi Sdrow Esehtg Niyasyb!" Harry interred, and Hermione felt herself being washed clean by a pure purple wave of light.

"Well," said Hermione, "it certainly feels like the curse has been broken, but I feel like I've heard that language before …"

Harry shook his head.

"I don't think you would have, Hermione, I mean, it's not like the Author took a totally lax route in just writing words backwards, or anything."

Hermione nodded.

"I'm sure you're right, Harry. So, what next?"

Harry closed the book with a _thump_.

"Same thing I do every year, Hermione, try to defeat the Dark Lord™."

* * *

"So, Harry," said Dumbledore, "you got back from The Future™ and broke the curse on Miss Granger."

"Yes," said Harry, "I just said that."

Dumbledore gave him a Level Thirty-Eight Eye Twinkle.

"And now you're going to defeat Cho Chang, the New Dark Lord™?"

Harry nodded.

"Er, yes," he replied, "and we were hoping that you'd have some advice on how to do that?"

Dumbledore steepled his fingers.

"You must remember that the Prophecy, Harry, said Severus Snape would be the one to defeat this Dark Lord™."

Harry looked abashed.

"Oh yeah, I kind of forgot. I'm just so used to being the Chosen One™ I guess."

Dumbledore looked at him kindly over his half-moon spectacles.

"Quite understandable, Harry," he replied, "why don't you go and discuss it with your father?"

"James?"

"No Harry," chuckled Dumbledore, "since when does _James_ do anything useful? I meant Severus."

"Oh," said Harry, "makes sense."

* * *

"Hey Harry!" said Ron as Harry stepped off the moving staircase from Dumbledore's Office.

"Ron!" grinned Harry. "Not going to kill me?"

Ron clapped him on the back in a manly fashion.

"'Course not," he replied, "just wanted to invite you to Fred and George's Buck's Night."

"They're getting married?" asked Harry.

"Yeah," said Ron, rolling his eyes, "They've finally convinced Louise."

"She seemed pretty reluctant to make it official before," recalled Harry, "what changed?"

"They told her that she'd be getting two diamond rings, and an advance copy of _Sims 4_."

Harry nodded.

"Makes sense,"

"Yeah," said Ron, "two of her favourite things – shiny rocks and world domination."

"So," said Harry, "when is it?"

Ron checked his watch,

"Right now!"

"Hoorah!" said Harry.

The pupkids ran past in a clump.

"HOORAH!" they said as they passed.

"Well, come on Harry," continued Ron, "it's being held at the Ball and Chain Nightclub."

"Let's go!" said Harry, and they Apparated.

In the Library, Hermione suddenly screamed angrily.

"IT'S NOT CANON! NOT CANON AT ALL!"

"Hush," said Madam Pince, the stunningly beautiful half-veela half-siren Librarian, "everything's going to be totally kakkoii."

Hermione groaned and slumped onto the desk.

* * *

"Wow," said Harry, looking around, "this place is bloody brilliant!"

"Hey, mate," said Ron, "that's my line."

"Opps," said Harry.

"Harry! Ron!" said Fred. "So glad –"

"You could make it!" finished George. "Drinks are on the house!"

"Congratulations," said Harry, "I you're really excited about the wedding."

"Oh," grinned George, "we are, but-"

"Not as pleased as Mum," added Fred, "you'd think we'd been the first Wizards on the moon, the way she's carrying on!"

"Oi!" yelled Oliver Wood, from across the room. "Get over here! The show's about to start!"

"Show?" asked Harry.

"The owner's daughter is going to perform for us," explained Ron, as they walked over closer to the stage, "Louise said no strippers, but hopefully this will make up for it."

A tall, thin girl with long black hair walked onto the stage, sank to her knees, and began to sing…

"_Mama, I'm lost.  
What went wrong?  
Can't you come hold me?  
Make me strong.  
Isn't there somewhere  
I can belong?_

_Dear lord,  
Nothing I do is ever done right,  
That's all that I hear.  
Oh, dear lord,  
I'd like to fade into the sunlight  
And just disappear."_

"Dear Merlin," winced Fred, "she's terrible!"

Ron groaned and plugged his ears with his fingers.

"Is this _Carrie the Musical_?" asked Harry in confusion.

"I don't know," moaned George, "but I wish it would stop!"

"Isn't she great?"

Harry turned to face the newcomer.

"Oh," he said awkwardly, "hi, Tom."

"Harry," smiled Tom Riddle AKA The-Dude-Who-Used-To-Kill-Muggles, "are you enjoying my daughter's performance?"

"You're the owner?!" asked Ron.

"Enjoying?!" asked Fred and George in unison.

"Er," said Harry, "oh, yes, she's … really something …"

Tom Riddle beamed.

"After this, she's going to perform interpretive dance to the music of the Pussycat Dolls," he said.

Ron ran screaming from the club.

"Odd," said Tom, "what's with him?"

"Um," said Harry, "I'm not sure. But I'll find out!"

Tom Riddle watched Harry leave.

"It's a pity they had to leave," he said, "but I'm sure everyone else will be staying."

"Oh," said George, "... definitely."

* * *

A/N: Thanks to all the reviewers, especially those who suggested the 'Harry goes back in time to prevent a terrible future' and 'Voldemort has a daughter (with an added on of 'who sings from bad musicals')' cliches. Stay tuned for Twilight Crossovers, A Wedding Gone Wrong, the 'becoming a couple via being chained together' cliche, and, as always, please do send in suggestions, praise and more cliches - they are the fuel that keeps my brain ticking along.


	16. Chapter 16

_Chapter Sixteen_

Harry trudged back up the hill to Hogwarts, his wand lighting his way along the path. He hadn't been able to find Ron, and so, had decided that a long walk would probably help him deal with all the confusion of the day.

He breathed in the cool night air and pondered where Ron could have run off to.

"I'm sure he'll turn up," he muttered.

Suddenly, he heard muted voices, coming from the bushes on the side of the path. Curious, Harry quietly made his way over towards the voices, his wand extended.

"Oh, Edward," said a high pitched female voice, "I love you so much!"

"I love you too, Bella," said a deep male voice, "but I'm dangerous."

"Huh?" muttered Harry as he edged closer.

"Oh, I know you would never hurt me, Edward!" continued the female voice. "Our love is too strong!"

"Our love _is _strong, Bella," said the male voice, "but I'm really very dangerous."

"Oh, Edward, we'll be together forever, won't we!"

"Yes, Bella, but I really am quite dangerous,"

"Oh, Edward, will you make me a vampire, like you are?"

"No, Bella, it's too dangerous,"

Harry scratched his head with his free hand.

"What?" he whispered to himself, and continued to inch forward.

"Oh, Edward, we could have sparkly vampire babies!"

"Oh, Bella, I love you so much, I can't resist you. I'll turn you into a vampire …"

"Oh, Edward!"

"Yes, Bella, but we have to be married first."

Silence reigned over the night. Harry moved a bit closer, and pushed aside the bushes blocking his view.

"What?" said the female voice, which, Harry could now see, belonged to a girl with dark brown hair and eyes.

"We have to get married first, Bella," said the pale boy opposite her, who seemed to sparkle slightly in Harry's wandlight.

The girl crossed her arms and huffed.

"Screw that," she said, "I'm going back to Jacob!"

The boy growled.

The girl tossed her hair and walked away.

Harry walked out of the bushes.

"What was all that about?" he muttered.

The boy turned to face him.

"Cedric!" gasped Harry.

"Er," said the boy, "… no,"

Harry held his wand higher.

"Hey, how come you sparkle like that?"

"It's the sign of a very dangerous supernatural creature,"

"Huh," said Harry, "right. Well, I'm going to leave now."

And he did just that.

* * *

Harry yawned as he made his way in to the Great Hall for breakfast.

"Hey, Hermione," he said, plopping down onto a bench.

"Good morning," replied Hermione, her nose buried in a thick tome.

"Have you seen Ron?"

"No," said Hermione, without looking up.

"He left the Buck's Night early last night," explained Harry, "and his bed doesn't look like it's been slept in."

"Hmm," hummed Hermione non-committedly.

"'Morning," muttered Will, sitting next to Harry and grabbing some toast.

"Hi, Will," said Harry, "where have you been recently?"

"Oh," said Will, "around."

"Makes sense," replied Harry.

At the Staff Table, Dumbledore stood up and spread his arms wide.

"Good morning, students! I've decided that learning is boring! So classes are cancelled, and we'll all be attending the wedding of Mr Fred Weasley, Mr George Weasley and Ms. Louise Frost!"

The Pupkids popped out from underneath the Staff Table.

"YAY! NO CLASSES!"

Dumbledore gave a Level Two Eye Twinkle.

"And we're leaving in five minutes!"

The Great Hall immediately filled with gossip and excited chatter.

Will gasped and dropped his toast.

"I don't have a thing to wear!" he moaned.

Hermione looked up from her book.

"What is everyone talking about?"

"We're going to Fred and George and Louise's wedding," said Will, "and we don't have time to change!"

"Oh," said Hermione, "well, by an amazing coincidence I've just read about a spell to transform your clothes, hair, and makeup!"

She stood up and waved her wand over herself, William, and Harry,

"_Verto tela quod somes_!" she incanted.

Harry looked down. His plain black school robes had been transformed into robes of the finest black silk, embroidered with dragons and phoenixes and edged with ancient runes telling of the first witches and wizards.

"Wow!" said William. "Hermione – you're amazing!"

Hermione blushed prettily and straightened her platinum and ruby necklace.

Harry looked at his friends - William was now dressed in silk black robes, like his own, but they were threaded with gold and silver silk so that the fabric seemed to shimmer and ripple; Hermione was dressed in a deep red dress with a sweetheart neckline that seemed fitted to her every curve, her hair smooth and shiny and falling in delicate curls that perfectly framed her finely boned face.

Harry continued to think of descriptive terms until Dumbledore cleared his throat.

"Everybody hold hands!" he commanded. "We'll be traveling to the wedding via the Power Of Love™!"

"YAY!" added the Pupkids. "THE POWER OF LOVE!"

Everyone in the Great Hall held the hands of their neighbours, and then, with a brilliant flash of pink light …

... they arrived in the field behind the Weasley's home.

"This is very exciting," said Hermione, "I've never been to a traditional incest marriage before! Let's sit up the front so we can see everything!"

Harry squeaked as she grabbed his and Will's hands and dragged them to their seats.

Once Harry was seated, he looked around. Across the aisle, Mrs Weasley was sobbing happily into a delicate lace handkerchief. He turned around to view the rest of the crowd, and wasn't that surprised to see as many red headed relatives as there was Hogwarts students.

"Hey," he whispered, as he thought of something, "where's Louise's family?"

"Over there," whispered Hermione in reply, pointing to a tall pale man with bright blue eyes, a little boy who seemed to be his exact copy, and a petite woman with short chestnut-coloured hair, "That's her father, brother, and mother."

"Oh," whispered Harry, "I thought they'd be … less normal looking."

"Shhh," said Will, "it's starting!"

Harry looked up to see Fred and George standing on the small stage in front of the crowd, looking eager and proud. Between them was a wrinkled woman with glittering brown eyes. She made a discrete signal with her left hand, and music started playing, seemingly from the air itself.

The crown drew in a breath as Louise began making her way down the aisle.

Harry thought Louise looked as nervous as she did beautiful, her jet black hair sleek and shiny, her figure displayed perfectly in a emerald green cocktail dress.

She reached the front of the crowd, and took a deep breath.

Fred and George beamed at her, and the little old woman cleared her throat.

"Oh!" quailed Mrs Weasley. "I'm so close to having grandchildren I can feel it!"

Louise shifted uncomfortably.

"Witches, Wizards, Elves, Muggles, and Guests," started the woman, "today we gather to witness the joining of three lives. Magical Twins such as Fred and George Weasley search their entire lives for a third to make their souls complete. In Louise Frost, they have found that missing piece."

"Louise," said Fred, "we love you –"

"We want to be with your forever, and have you bear our tiny redheaded babies," continued George.

"Fred, George," said Louise, "I … uh, I … I …."

The crowd held its collective breath.

"I can't do this!" wailed Louise.

"What!" gasped Mrs Weasley.

"I'm so sorry," said Louise, "but I'm not the marrying kind! And I don't _want_ your children!"

"Louise," said George, his voice cracking.

"Please …" added Fred.

Louise shook her head sadly.

"I've got to go," she whispered.

Mrs Weasley howled in dismay as Louise turned and ran back down the aisle.

"Necro!" she yelled.

The crowd watched, stunned, as the air before her began to shift and twist. Suddenly, a tall man with jet black hair stood in front of Louise, where there had previously been no one.

"Hey," said the man, "you rang?"

"Necro," smiled Louise, "want to go on a quest? Like the good ol' days?"

Necro grinned.

"You just wanna see my sword," he said, but he took her hand anyway, and they disappeared with a flash.

"Well," said Hermione, "that was certainly interesting …"

Harry looked around at Fred and George, standing stunned at the alter, Mrs Weasley sobbing heavily, Rachel grinning and accepting money from Severus, Louise's father rolling his eyes and Dumbledore twinkling at everyone in sight.

"Is every wedding this strange?" he said aloud.

"Only the ones involving Louise," called Rachel.

"Oh," said Harry, "makes sense."

* * *

Harry sat in front of the fire in Gryffindor Tower and yawned contentedly.

"Another day finished," he murmured.

"Mmm hmm," said Hermione, once again engrossed in her book.

"Huh," said Harry, "I just remembered. Where's Ron?"

The portrait swung open.

"Here," grumbled Ron.

"Hello, Harry," added Luna, as she trailed in after Ron.

"Hi," said Harry, "why are you here? I thought students weren't allowed to go into Houses that they're not Sorted into."

"Don't be silly, Harry," said Hermione, "anyone can invite students from other Houses into Common Rooms, there is a charm to prevent them revealing the location to others."

"Oh," said Harry.

"It's in _Hogwarts: A History_," added Hermione.

"Luna is staying here," said Ron.

"We're together," smiled Luna, as she drifted over to an empty settee.

Hermione gaped.

"You can't move into another House just because you're dating!" she protested.

Ron sighed.

"Ok, look, after I left Fred and George's Buck's Night, I accidentally ran into the Forbidden Forest and … I got lost."

"Wow," said Luna, wide eyed, "this is so exciting! What happened next?"

Ron gave her a strange look.

"I ran into you,"

"Oooo," said Luna, seemingly entranced.

"Right, whatever," said Ron, "so we were going back to Hogwarts, and we stumbled into a Fairy Grove."

"A Fairy Grove!" said Hermione. "Now this _is_ interesting! They're a very proud race, and renown for the strange and inventive ways that they seek revenge, so it pays to learn their convoluted customs to prevent accidental slights."

Ron scratched his head uncomfortably.

"Yeah, so, I kinda … insulted them …"

"Ron!" groaned Hermione.

Luna looked around the room happily.

"This room seems almost completely free of Yiggles!"

"Anyway," said Ron, "to keep this story short … they magically bound us together with a curse that won't break until we present them with our first born child."

Harry nodded.

"Makes sense," he said.

Suddenly, Snape burst into the room.

"Harry!" he snarked.

"Yip!" squeaked Harry.

Snape sank down onto a couch.

"Harry, I've got to tell you something very exciting and important,"

"Have you figured out how to defeat the Dark Lord?" asked Harry.

"No," said Snape, patting his knee. Harry sat on his father's knee.

"Where's William?" asked Snape.

"Here, Dad," replied Will, coming down the dormitory stairs.

Snape indicated that William should sit on his other knee. William did so.

"Boys," began Snape, "you're going to be big brothers."

Harry gasped.

"You did Mum, _again_?! How'd you convince James?"

Will screwed up his nose.

"Ew,"

Snape looked snapey.

"No," he said, "_Rachel's_ pregnant."

"YAY!" interjected the Pupkids, crawling out from behind a tapestry. "PREGNANCY!"

Snape sighed.

"They've obviously never seen a vampire with mid-term cravings,"

* * *

A/N: Incredible - two chapters in as many days. Obviously something strange has happened to the space time continuum. Special thanks to the reviewers who suggested the cliches contained in this chapter, but every review is appreciated and treasured. Not that many cliches left to do now ... we're approaching the conclusion, people!


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Harry Potter awoke to find his bed covered in post. He sat up, and caused a small avalanche.

'Huh,' he thought, 'this is slightly odd.'

He pulled one of the letters out of his hair and began to read.

"_Dear Mr. Potter,"_ it read, _"It is with great pleasure that we extend to you an invitation to enroll in Shivershanks School of Sorcery…"_

"Ron," said Harry.

Ron continued to snore.

"Ron," repeated Harry, a little louder, "what is the Shivershanks School of Sorcery?"

"Magic school," grumbled Ron.

"I gathered that," replied Harry.

"'Lemme sleep then," muttered Ron.

Harry huffed, but realized that Ron wasn't in the mood for one of their sleep-conversations. He shrank all of the letters with a wave of his wand and headed off the find someone who he could convince to help him read all the letters and determine just why he had received so many at once.

***

"No," said Hermione.

"I haven't even asked you anything yet!" protested Harry.

"Does it involve me doing huge amounts of research for you and then highly probably missing out on anything exciting that may or may not occur as a result of that research?"

"Well, yes," admitted Harry.

"Then my answer stands," replied Hermione, "I'm far too busy."

"You're reading _Twilight_," said Harry.

"Yes," conceded Hermione, "but it's for a very important project."

"Which is?" asked Harry, unconvinced.

"I am going to discover the secrets of the sparkly vampires," said Hermione, "and then I will present my findings to Rachel and then maybe she'll stop cursing my books."

"You really think that will work?"

Hermione sighed.

"I can only hope that she will hate them more than she hates me,"

"Right," said Harry, "do you have anything more to add on the subject of _Twilight_?"

"Well," replied Hermione, "only the obvious; that it's a poorly written, slow-paced abstinence-romance that succeeds in entrancing its target audience but alienates other readers by sprouting anti-feminist propaganda. Also, it's basically its own parody."

"Ok," said Harry, "but who will help me solve the Mystery of All the Mail?"

Hermione shrugged and turned another page.

"I don't know," she said, "Will?"

"Great idea, Hermione!" said Harry, and, with that, he picked up his big bag o' mail and went to find his twin brother.

***

"Hey Harry," said Will, "you won't believe what happened to me this morning."

"Bed full of mail?"

"Yeah," said Will, "how'd you know?"

Harry gestured to his post bag.

"Same thing happened to me," said Harry, "but I don't know why."

"So it's a mystery," said Will.

"Yep," said Harry, "but without Ron or Hermione to help I don't know how we're going to solve it."

"We could start a club," suggested Will, "a mystery solving club."

"That's a great idea!"

"We can make flyers and put them in all the Common Rooms."

"I can do Gryffindor, and Dad can do Slytherin and you can do …" Harry trailed off.

"I'm in Gryffindor too," said Will.

"Why don't I ever see you in the dorm then?" asked Harry.

"I'm not in your dorm – I room with Edward, Charlie and Spencer."

Harry gasped theatrically.

"THERE'S ANOTHER DORM?"

"Of course there's another dorm," replied Will, "where did you think the other guys slept?"

Harry mumbled quietly.

"You don't even know who the other guys are, do you?" asked Will.

"No," replied Harry.

"You didn't even know there were other guys, did you?"

"No,"

"You seriously thought there were only five Gryffindor boys in Seventh year?"

Harry looked away, shamefaced.

"Charlie was in your Divination class!" said Will.

"Wait," said Harry, "is he the Chunky Guy of Mystery?"

"What?" asked Will.

"You know," said Harry, "the big guy that no-body knows but then he appears in Divination and knows about Grims and stuff?"

Will rolled his eyes.

"Charlie will be so pleased to know that the rest of the year knows him as Chunky Guy of Mystery."

"We could trademark it," suggested Harry, "would that be better?"

"Probably not," replied Will, "but that gives me another idea – we should think of an awesome name for our club and then trademark it."

Harry nodded.

"I do like a good trademark …" he said, "How about … The Super Awesome Mystery Club of Awesome Mystery Solvingness Team™?"

"Well," said Will, "it's very descriptive … The Super Awesome Mystery Club of Awesome Mystery Solvingness Team™ it is."

"Awesome," said Harry.

"I'll write that we will have our first mystery solving meeting on Thursday evening, and that people from all years are welcome to join," said Will.

"This is going to be great," said Harry, "we'll have The Super Awesome Mystery Club of Awesome Mystery Solvingness Team™ up and running in no time."

Will finished the flyer with a flourish, and then performed a duplifying charm that instantly made the exact number of copies they needed.

"Right," said Will, "let's go see Dad."

***

"OH, BY VLAD'S FANGS!" screamed Rachel.

"Is this a bad time?" asked Harry.

Snape gave him a snapey glare.

"Rachel's giving birth," replied Snape.

"So, yes, then?"

"SNAPE!" screamed Rachel. "YOU BETTER GET IN HERE WITH THAT PAIN POTION SOON OR I'M GOING TO EAT THE HEALER!"

"HURRY!" added another voice, presumably that of the Healer.

"Yes, dear," called Snape. "Sit here," he said to Harry and Will, pointing to the couch.

He grabbed a couple of vials from the cabinet and then hurried down the hall, his robes billowing behind him.

"I forgot about the baby," admitted Harry, "even though it only seems like last chapter Dad told us."

"It was last chapter," replied Will, "but this is the first update for months, so you really can't be blamed. I'm a little surprised we're doing the birth now though, I thought it'd be a couple more months."

Suddenly, a thin blonde woman burst into the room.

"Someone's having a baby!" she gasped.

"Yes," said Will, "who are you?"

"Dr. Elliot Reid," replied the doctor, "I'll help with the baby!"

Harry and Will watched as she ran down the hall.

"That was a little odd," said Harry.

"Classic baby tingling sense," replied Will.

"Oh," said Harry, "makes sense."

Time past quickly, and, in what seemed like no time at all, Harry and William were being introduced to their new little sister.

"Boys," said Severus, "this is Faustina."

The tiny baby in Rachel's arms cooed softly.

"Wow," said William, "she's adorable."

"Yeah," said Harry, "but why doesn't she look like you?"

And indeed, Faustina's white blond ringlets, bright blue eyes and happy smile made it seem quite impossible that she was the offspring of the two most snarky people Hogwarts had ever seen.

"Oh," sighed Dr. Reid, "isn't she just the cutest little angel? Want to come live with Aunty Elliot, little baby?"

She wiggled her fingers at the baby, and Faustina crinkled up her little button nose and gurgled musically. Unnoticed by the entranced Dr. Reid, two long pointed fangs slid out of Faustina's gums. The baby cooed, and then made a lunge for the doctor's throat.

Dr Reid was toppled over by the weight of the child and they struggled for a few moments before she managed to detach Faustina from her neck, and make a run for the door.

"What a clever girl," said Snape proudly, as the door slammed after the doctor.

Harry and William exchanged nervous looks.

"You're safe enough," said Rachel, correctly guessing their fear, "I only attacked non-family members when I was young."

"Very comforting," replied Will dryly, still eying the baby.

"I'll tell her not to bite you," added Rachel, "better now?"

"She won't understand!" said William. "She's just a baby!"

"Well," said Severus, "she won't be a baby for very long."

"Yeah," grumbled Will, "only a couple of years."

"Nah," said Rachel, "babies are actually pretty boring to write. She'll be a toddler by the end of the week."

"Makes sense," said Harry.

Faustina gurgled.

"Right," said Hary, "that reminds me; could you put up some flyers in Slytherin? We want to start a club."

"This isn't about defeating Dark Lords, is it?" asked Severus.

"No," said Will, "just solving mysteries."

Severus nodded.

"Good," he said, "I'm sure you are aware that I must wait until the end of the year before taking any action towards defeating the Dark Lord."

Harry nodded.

"Preaching to the choir, man," he said, "preaching to the choir.'

Severus scowled.

"Do run along," he drawled.

And Harry and Will did so.

* * *

Author's note: Whoa, a new chapter? It's a Saturnalia miracle!


End file.
